I have just returned to my desk in Dammam and it’s been quite a while since I put anything into this blog. First, it was in part to the horrendous connection speed our home PC puts up. In part because we only have one telephone at home and I can’t hog precious airtime. In part because our home PC is in a room that I have to share with other people and I can’t stay up late and disturb their sleep.
It was, also, in part, that I’m learning not to put down my feelings as if SOMEONE OUT THERE would notice. No matter how many times I put my heart out on my sleeve, no matter how I try to be clever, there just isn’t anyone.
I would like to believe that someone would understand my despair. Now, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I live my life to the fullest, and discharge my duties as best as I could to those to whom I am accountable.
During my vacation, the best times of my days were offered to my family – my sister who had gotten married, my sister who was tested by illness, my mother. Naturally, being the kind of person I am, it was hard for me not to play the part of reprobate against the part of quintessence of morality which defined my life overseas.
I offer no excuses and seek no absolution. Still, what dominated my life emotionally was my pushing for a resolution --- to find an eligible young woman who, given time, would agree to be my life partner. Apparently the one to whom I have concentrated my efforts did not agree with my assessment.
My first instinct was to find something to blame. As it is, there was … nothing. I wasn’t the person she had in mind and I had little opportunity to make her see me in the best possible light. I tried to make the best out of being disappointed and heartbroken. I almost succeeded.
Do my feelings really matter in all this? We-ell, considering the state of affairs where…
…children in Africa are under constant threat by warfare, disease, and famine
…the war in Iraq continues to be an even bigger quagmire by the day
… Jews and Arabs really cannot get along and so the vendettas, air strikes, suicide bombings, kidnappings, and prisoner torture go on without let-up
…nukes in Korea and Iran may spark a conflagration that would end the world as we know it
…gas prices keep on going up as a result of the tensions in the Middle East
…fellow Filipinos will kill each other for gambling winnings (never mind what else is going on in the country)
…somewhere out there this very minute a child is being raped, abused, or otherwise demeaned
I’d like to say it would be an even match, hahahaha! The delusion ends right there, and all around me, life goes on --- and the drama of my life is just what it is: another drama. It is the only universe I know, but out there, with the lives of other people where
… a rags-to-riches story like Manny Pacquiao would capture the heart of an entire nation, and inspires more worldwide
…young people continue to volunteer their time and talent to provide learning and economic opportunities to those who have less in life
…professionals strive despite the physical and emotional difficulties of working overseas to provide a better life for their families
…couples keep the faith to their marriage vows in the face of so many broken relationships
…new and wonderful things are being discovered about the nature of our life and our universe, mostly by young scientists
…young voices are making themselves heard --- literally in the field of music and figuratively through their expressions in dance and literature
My life drama is only as significant as I make it to be. So now I got to chin up, face tomorrow, whatever. I can’t be fixed today, maybe I can’t bring myself to fix myself tomorrow. But hey, I’m still alive, I draw breath each day and I am in command of my faculties to be of use to somebody.
The hurt would go away. Yeah, maybe. But I am still broken.
For the first time in so many months, it doesn't really matter if no one OUT THERE really cares.