Retirement

There comes a point in one's life when too much information and searching for connection becomes more of a "miss" thing than generating true "hits."  There comes a point when the random thought desires to become purposive, and the creative urge must be mastered, tamed, and redirected.

I have no illusions about the depth or quality of my own writing.  Therefore, keeping on "publishing" my thoughts before my ideas grow and become true living things, so to speak, is an injustice.  They must be allowed to brew somewhere, but definitely not online.  Reticence does have its own benefits, not just privacy, but also the confidence that the silence brings wisdom, a sense of centering and self-mastery.

So this blog will finally retire.  I realize though that even if I try to close down this blog there will a digital footprint somewhere.  My thoughts will always remain in cyberspace.  Close this thing down? Sure.  But some part of me says, let it stick around, as a lesson for my own benefit.  Who knows, someone will be led down this road and find something useful here.  Maybe it will do something for them as it surely did for me.

At some point there may be something I will need to say, and maybe I will post a link of it here.  That would be highly likely, but hey, I wouldn't want to disappoint by building up too much anticipation for the devoted (two) followers of this blog.  That time will come, someday, eventually.  But for now, I will sign off, and bid you adieu.

Good night, then, and good luck.

More Than Enough

I am in an unfortunate position of having to cram for something I should have done some time past.  But if it gets me back into some semblance of fire for the job, then so be it.  Lately I have noticed I have been going through the motions.  It gets things done, but it's not the same.  And I want to believe in what I am doing.  Because without it, this whole existence becomes more unbearable.

It's been two weeks since I have returned from my vacation.  Manila remains beautiful, flawed, frustrating, and addictive.  I refer to her not only for the geographical location but also for the life that happens there.  I love being there, but for the immediate future, I need to be here.  This year, I've divided my vacation into two parts so I can put some priorities in order.  And  I'm not surprised that things went down as they should.

I cannot encapsulate the world I have left into one big treat.  Relationships take time, and I can only devote what I can give to those which are most important to me.  I tried to give some time to new kinds of friends, or open the prospects for a relationship, and for some reason they never even panned out.  They never even occurred.  It's still on me for not trying harder.  And somewhere inside me, I know I can.  It's just that I lack the courage to let my heart burst for caring too much.

I'm old.  I've been beaten down by this.  However, I refuse to give up caring.  In my job it's hard to keep on doing it and coping with the reality of expatriate life in Saudi Arabia.  I look into someone's eyes and I know I've been there.    I can only offer sympathies.

For us to bounce back, we have to suck up the hurt and keep on dreaming that someday all this would mean something.  Maybe we're kidding ourselves, but we have to believe that this separation adds more value to the lives of the people we love.    That is enough.  That is more than enough.

Holding the Wheel

"Nothing is more difficult than the art of maneuvering for advantageous position." - Sun Tzu

I'll try to keep this post as short and as sweet as possible.

Sun Tzu's impact on business is very simple because his tenets about confrontation are very simple.  Be aware of your strengths and weaknesses, and be honest to yourself in assessing your abilities.  Work hard to get the maximum advantage. Always be confident in your abilities.    Never pick a fight with someone you don't know.   Learn as much as you can about the "playing field" just as much as you are learning about your opponent.  Hone your skills and be as diverse in your methods of attack.  Keep your belligerent intentions secret.  Never allow your opponent to get a sure footing on you, on your abilities and your resources.  When you attack, make it swift, clean and decisive.  Preserve your people and your opponent's as well - someone has to rebuild and replant after the conflict is done.

Gaining an advantage over someone when the field is either known or well traversed is very difficult to do.  In business or in relationships, when all the cards in the deck are relatively well-known, masking your moves is a matter of hiding your emotions, or practicing outright deception.  Manipulation is not uncommon, especially by changing essential facts about oneself or admitting to feelings one doesn't truly have.

Mirrored, Darkly

"Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves." - James Allen

Day 3 of this new regime is coming up roses like the last two - I am rather semi-somnolent from ingesting my last meal - in this case breaded fish fillet and sardine sotanghon (ode to pad thai, natch) and the free-flowing sense of consciousness is ready to drift away with the next downloaded treat from the Internet.  So far banging on the keyboard feels oddly rewarding for some reason, and I am afraid that I will make no sense once I get to the end.

It was a stressful day today.  Lots to do but not necessarily lots accomplished.  We have gotten moving on a lot of things, but not fast enough.  My sense of urgency meter is on, but only with the pilot light.  The full satisfying whoosh and whoop of a steady flame just aren't there yet.  All our best ambitions and emotions are mirrored darkly- it's very difficult to put in words like "nobility" and some other high meanings given the occasional tedium of the work and the transactional nature of our field.

Today's quote is a good one for me, and for all expatriates based in the Middle East.  Nobody wants to be left out of the list of recipients of increments.  No one wants to come out a loser come the day when everybody else receives some form of reward from the Company.  The funny thing, it isn't so much whether the reward is deserved, it's that others are getting something.

My sense of justice is somewhat rubbed at this juncture.  Nobody gets a free pass at anything.  You want something?  Go out and earn it.  It isn't going to be given to you.  Second thought, of course, is that getting something you don't deserve through shortcuts is the surest way to lose your way.  Getting rewards because you happen to be somebody's friend or somebody's relative is the number one shortcut.

Not Yet After, But It Is

Willing Exile: Just Hangin'

If there's a way I can gift-wrap this message for a particular someone, I would.  But then again, what I mean to reach one person may just end up being misinterpreted by someone else.  I'd like to be known yet still unseen, not much unlike Lionel Richie in Hello, only not as creepy.

It gets tiresome to sweet-lemon the result when there is so much residual bitterness.  Intellectually I am aware of this feeling of never fully letting go, but emotionally it is still there.  And I don't like to pretend that the feeling isn't affecting me.  It does.  Because the feeling, because of the choices surrounding it, encompass my whole life as it stands right now.

No, no more positive spin for this right now.  I'd like the feeling to sear into me and leave its mark.  Only then can I let it go and try, as best as I can, to move on.

I'm not begging to be pitied.  In fact, I don't even care for acceptance or understanding.  I just want to say what I would like to say, and then I hope that will be the end of this.

Lowest Common Denominator

This particular post is dedicated to the extension of the Obama presidency.  I should have posted this in the past few days but my computer conked out on me and I lost the will to live.  Literally.  A few days later, I am viewing this screen from a replacement computer and the post is still waiting to be finished.

I know I should be reading more opinions from other people before launching one of my own, but I can't help but link the success of Obama's re-election to the surprise results of the 2010 Joseph Estrada candidacy.  I'm not a particular fan of President Obama's politics but he played his cards correctly - keep things going despite opposition, push here and there to do something meaningful, try to generate some traction in Congress despite not having the upper hand in either the House or Senate.  Whatever failures he had is a not an overall failure of his leadership - it is simply a function of having Republicans and Democrats have at it on a regular basis.

In short, let us give him the benefit of the doubt - just as the American people chose to re-elect Dubya in 2004.  He still has the same contentious Congress with him, so good luck.

As I mentioned earlier, I am not an Obama fan, and were it not for the outright hypocrisy practiced by the Clintons in their marriage of convenience, I'd be singing paeans to Hillary Clinton.  In 2008, Obama getting elected was a revolution of the youth and the formerly less-heard sectors of society - with social media and new forms of expression, previously less-influential sectors armed themselves accordingly. In 2012, he played the "us-against-them" card so well against the Establishment his "favored" constituencies came out and saved the day.

Now, Mitt Romney must have been a skillful businessman to reach his current state, but he failed to counter one of the most important rules in politics - the rule of the lowest common denominator.

Landfall

The new week opens with me starting work at my second location in Riyadh.  I am not so enthused about this part of my deal, I have just gotten used to my working in my current place (and having my own office to boot, too).

But in any case, I have no illusions about this new deal.  It's the same as the old one.  I just hope I will bring whatever I can into this process and help contribute to the emerging professionalization of this outfit.

Organizations have their own ebbs and flows but the more different they are in many aspects the more the same they are substantially.  Whatever the concerns of the people are, they will want to sail away from roiling waters and find safe haven as soon as possible.  All it takes, then, is resolute leadership to hold the tiller.  I never thought of my role as the helmsman - the navigator, yes, but not the helmsman.  Not yet.

So, the objective is landfall.  Safe travels are not guaranteed.  The storm watch is on.

Slowed, and some other Things

Slowed by the steady stream of work.  Not enjoyable in some sense but overall I am glad.  The year is going by very fast and soon enough it's time for vacation.

I have finally gotten around to reading "Towers of Midnight," Book 13 of the Wheel of Time.  Kudos to Brandon Sanderson.  He has managed to translate the compelling narrative of Robert Jordan in his own words, and yet magically capturing the tone of the earlier books of the series.  It is not the same cant the maestro ended up with (Book 11, Crossroads of Twilight, was begging to be snuffed out), but it is the flavor fans have been wanting to savor for some time.  Nice to read it in hardback, thanks to Jarir for knocking off the price.

"A Dance With Dragons" is up.  Never apprehensive in picking up George R.R. Martin.  Don't want to spoil anything for the prospective readers, so I will stay quiet about the book.  Prologue so well-written I got sucked in very quickly.

It's a comfort to get back into old habits.  Nine months into my tenure here and it feels like I've given birth to something better for myself.  Nice to get into fighting mood by firing broadsides at people who are overzealous on posting political links on FB.  But then, no.  Wouldn't add anything substantive to the discussion, except this:

1) If anyone is innocent until proven guilty, it stands to reason that anyone can be therefore charged and tried before a court of his peers.  We are not killing democracy by trying CJ Corona.  In the first place, we already shot ourselves in the foot by electing those senators and congressmen who are participating in the trial.

2) The eminence of Juan Ponce Enrile should be expected.  The guy is as old as the Sierra Madre Mountains, them mountains he and his family have denuded in the past 50 years.  Don't give him extra points for something he should have known for being in public service for at least 50 years.

3) Anyone claiming anything new about scandals of the Aquinos and Cojuangcos better brush up on their history.  We already knew that, and people still elected Cory, because she promised to dismantle the mechanism of Martial Law.  Exchanging Marcos and his crowd with the Aquinos and their crowd was simply that, an exchange of leaders with no visible difference except the promise of "democracy." That is why many middle-class people during that period straddled the fence, or stuck it out with Marcos.

Still, if you were there, or lived during the Edsa 1 times, which would you prefer - the "stability" of Martial Law or the chaos brought about by democracy?  Yeah,  I didn't have to ask that question.  Be glad of what was restored, and exercise your right to speak more responsibly.

As for the Cory revisionists who declare her all to be a saint - be wary of history's lessons as well.  TIME named her its "Woman of the Year" in 1986, only to call her government "one of the most corrupt in Asia" in 1990.  There were growing pains - a lot of them.

By the way, anybody with an advertising background can come up with drivel and still call it a history lesson.  (No use to link to that viral video on YouTube).  Egads, use your brains!

Letting Love Remain

It feels so wrong to celebrate anything in particular while someone in your immediate circle is grieving.

My colleague at the office who is also my flatmate is undergoing a personal crisis right now.  His mother passed away last night and so he must take an emergency leave.

I'm never been a fan of Valentine's Day.  I believe the whole holiday is an exercise replete with crass commercialism.  It's a convenient holiday for spending in between New Year's Day and the school holidays in March/April.

I believe love should be celebrated as often as possible.  One can never encapsulate the wonderful moments that give this life meaning, even though, realistically, those moments will make up 15% or less of my entire life.  But without those moments, life is assuredly less.

Love is not just a feeling you get.  True love means an entire appreciation of the other's personhood, and is a commitment between two partners.

Terminus

"All roads lead to Trantor, and that is where all stars end." - Isaac Asimov, Second Foundation

One lesson from Stephen Covey is to begin with the end in mind.  From the start, mark point A as the beginning. and then mark point B as your terminus.  It should be that simple, from an intellectual point of view.  We define our journey, scope out the road getting there, and prepare ourselves accordingly.  The fun part, they say, is the journey, and not the destination.

There are lots of things to do on the journey - for while we must reach the other side, we must sustain ourselves throughout so that we keep ourselves hale and hearty on our travel.   There will be lots of things to see - wonders one has never seen, or sometimes the rare combination of having the usual mixed with the magical.

And of course, while we go through this journey, there are all sorts of distractions - whether from the vistas we see or the people we encounter.  Or sometimes we get waylaid at the stops we take - mostly by our own unreadiness or unwillingness to keep on moving.

So it is that some people make their way in life a lot more quickly and get to explore so many places - traveling the width and breadth of the human experience - while others stay where they, relatively close to where they started, hardly venturing beyond their comfort zones.

We all know where and how this journey will end someday, for all of us - in death.

Neglect

I didn't mean to leave you alone.   But I did.

Blame torrents and other mindless joys.  Blame a harder working schedule.  Mostly, blame a cheap fellow who doesn't want to pay more for personal internet access.

Hard to regain momentum on this.  But I will try.

Neighbors

One of the few times I felt harassed while living in Saudi Arabia happened earlier tonight.  While it may be par for the course for some other people, this is not the way I envision living in Saudi Arabia would be.

My colleague and I were bothered by a gathering of pre-adolescent Saudis outside my home.  Normally I ignore these groups of youngsters and stay away a good distance to avoid any unpleasantness.  Today, (well, tonight, actually), however, they gathered in front of my building on some kind of bonding thing.  They could do that all they want, but I as sure wouldn't want to be around when they are there.

It just so happens there is an abandoned work site almost facing our building on the other side of the street.  These kids gather there and look for something to do - because life otherwise for them offers nothing new.  In the land of so much wealth, many of these kids end up poor.

When we first made the turn we saw almost a dozen kids gathered in front of the house, and my instinct for self-preservation - the same which makes me want to avoid crowded places - rang out a strong alarm.  Incidentally, we have no street lights on our corner and our house has a very small fluorescent lamp on our front stoop.  My colleague, who was driving, asked if we should stop and I said, keep on going.   We turned a corner and saw another car in our rear-view mirror make a stop at the house.

After we made another turn (less than two minutes) it was put-up-or-shut-up.  My colleague had to pick up his daughter from the sitter and then his wife from her place of work, and I had no more excuses to prolong the wait since it was almost Isha prayer and soon every one will either run toward the mosque or away from it.

Another Year

So it's the fifth of October again and another year of my life has passed.

Every year continues to be a blessing. As the years pass, I am filled with happiness that in the midst of all the difficulties in the world and in my life there are still reasons for me to go on. For friends, family, loved ones, and even strangers who greeted me on my birthday, thanks. Your kind words and intentions are always a bonus.

All around, the world is in flux.  Revolutions rage, economies rise and fall, the world weather has gone haywire, technology is moving leaps and bounds.  Loved ones gather round and support one another as people fight off the inevitability of death.  Or as they welcome the coming of new life.

On the other hand, life has become a steady drone for me.  I welcome the regularity of the desert in Saudi Arabia.  Work is now a familiar face, a worry that is rather welcome than feared.  I like the constant pressure that each day brings.  Though at times my mind is sapped, as it is now, to look for something new, I thank the silence that comes from having my mind go blank.

Thought Intrusion, or a Safe Title To A Rambling Post

Almost two years ago, I wrote this piece on the suddenness of death and endless possibilities of life.

Still way further back, another piece I wrote six years back talks about how some things and people take on added importance in our lives, and the degree by which they enrich our lives is somewhat miraculous.

I realize I have been going on for such a long time. I don't know who it is out there that is reading this blog ... if what I am writing is doing something for you, I am glad and you are most welcome even if I don't receive your thanks.

But I am still pleased to tell my stories, if only to indulge my penchant for telling them.

Last Tuesday, I attended my first Toastmaster meeting in over a year. I was a charter member of our company club and was an integral part of the organization during its initial years, but my interest has waned as work and other projects took precedence. Also, something about the way our club was going on irked me. This may have more to do with me and my state of being than what was going on in general.

I'd rather keep the name of this new club to myself for the meantime. This is a club older than the one I used to attend, and is a more distinguished club because of its diversity and (most likely) more talented pool of speakers. Still, the air of informality in the club was both refreshing to me and at the same time, was an awful turn-off. This isn't a show-and-tell or a recital in school. Such things allow some pettiness. This is supposed to be a professional organization.

Staying Live

Eid Mubarak!

Just keeping this blog rolling, just staying live until something more important or momentous comes up.

I am back in muggy Dammam for the Eid Al Fitr holidays, though at least it's no longer as humid as it was during most of the summer. It has dawned upon me that there is so much me that is into Dammam-Khobar. Despite that Riyadh is a World City in terms of its economic, political, and cultural influence, I am still at heart one with the Eastern region of Saudi Arabia.

For those who want a better explanation of what Eid is all about, this is not the place to do it. Suffice to say comparatively of the two great religious festivals of the Muslim faith Eid Al Fitr (as opposed to Eid Al Adha) follows a period similar to Lent in the Christian faith, but its celebration is closer to that of Christmas, where Eid Al Adha follows a period closer to Holy Week in nature, and is apropos celebrated like that of Easter. For me personally, I would rather celebrate Easter more than Christmas, but maybe all those companies and businesses have got it right - Christmas sells better.

On the 1st of September the new order in the office would have reached one month. It was a so-so month, Ramadan being what it is. No developments, no promises. I feel sad for a member of our team who had to leave the Company involuntarily (the new PC for getting sacked), and I don't want to go into the justifications for his departure. Everyone has his or her truth when telling their side of the story. As far as I am concerned, the current order has to be a bit tougher for the Filipinos. As the ranking official left - the former "Godfather" also exiting the company "officially" at month's end, this strangely gives me some extra amount of motivation. Konting tiis lang, mga kabayan. Kailangan natin 'to, masyado tayong nag-relax. Gitgitan na ngayon.

Some love-hate involved with this holiday - it's fun to kick back a little, but I am not too impressed. It's the just the way I feel, no offense to those who devoutly follow the rule and are truly appreciative of what Ramadan is to their faith. It's the same way I feel about major Christian holidays - maybe I'm just channeling my inner Scrooge.

Move It. Move In.

I'm moving. Yes I'm moving.

I've been saying this for the last thirteen days and yet nothing has happened.

I have finally equipped my own flat - I don't have everything yet, but I do have enough for my bedroom - except that I don't feel like moving in.

Work has been the center of my small universe and somehow it isn't the same when you close the doors and go home. I am squatting in a friend's flat - but I know this wouldn't last forever. I have to leave.

One of the reasons would probably have to do with the fact that my bathroom isn't completely fitted after I replaced the toilet. I would have to get that finished ASAP. But being indolent when it comes to these matters I will probably procrastinate, again.

I am thoroughly enjoying Riyadh - there is a lot of charm in this city and I haven't gone around a lot yet. Never mind the malls, even though it would be great to walk around in free air-conditioning. But, as of yet, there is still no place where I would hang my hat and call home.

Sudden Death

A man died in front of our factory as a result of major road accident. Another one may yet die from his injuries.

The highway that fronts us is a major road traveling northward and eastward - it is well-paved but does not have the features that makes other highways safer.

Death is like a thunderbolt - or in this case, like an accident that happens in a split second.

From the Heights

This is the sunset view from a hilltop overlooking the city of Cairo. I took this with my cellphone camera during my last trip to Egypt Dec 2009/Jan 2010. Not a great shot, given the limitations of my lens and the overall lighting. I just like to think what the view means - a) I actually got to travel to Egypt, even though it was mostly for work, and b) The view from any height has a sense of majesty.

It was Father's Day last Sunday and I found little time to think about my own father. It was almost half a lifetime ago when he passed away, and yet pausing to think about him on some basis is like looking at myself at the mirror for ten straight minutes. I don't have that kind of vanity. I just fall into the habit of acting and speaking the way I remember him doing. To honor him is to do right by what I was given. I may not have had the privileges of some, but I was privileged with the desire to learn.

So what's the connection with Egypt? Nothing really, except that I am happy to cross it off from the places I want to visit. One takeaway from being an expatriate worker is to enrich one's life and perspective from the viewpoints of one's hosts. Egypt takes pride in its ancient traditions. This is all well and good if that legacy is still active in this current generation.

On the Rails

I arrived in Riyadh in the full eye of a sandstorm. I traveled on Saturday afternoon from Dammam and was due in Riyadh in the early evening.

It was my first real ride on an independently-powered train (as opposed to the light rail systems used in mass transportation) and I would say IT WAS A BLAST.

Not an earthshaking thing by any means of course, but it satisfied my initial curiosity about trains. It also helps that some of my most enjoyable moments in movies are about trains or had trains as settings: Silver Streak, Murder on the Orient Express, Narrow Margin, Manchurian Horror Express (outside the Philippines, it was known simply as "Horror Express"), Before Sunrise, and Unstoppable, among others.

Of course it isn't as cool as the movies make them out to be, but Saudi trains are fine by me. Even better than cramped airplane seats. One can complain about the speed but trains are really safe and the best mode of transport overland. I can only deplore why trains are not better utilized in the Philippines but that is a story for another day.

My recent posting is more operational and conceptual - a fact that dawned upon me the first day I came to work. After several years of being in this line of work, deciding what to do becomes less of a chore than proceeding on how to do it, and how soon. Which is the fun part - my brain will take a little backseat while I stick my nose into all the goings-on.

Yes, things could go so wrong. Life has a way of righting the ship, or to use my railway metaphor, derailing is a normal part of life. Getting on the skids may be really tough, but it is important to stay on track and keep on chugging.

If you ask me the homesick question, I have found a wonderful answer: I always yearn to be beside the people I love most. For now I am taking a break from them. They are not encompassed in my immediate space, but they are still there, just the same. The countdown has started.

As for the Philippines? Never mind.

Postscript: I am aiming for a sort of travelogue but then I realize I'm not yet sufficiently mobile to comment. They say Riyadh has its own unique wonders. Let's see.

Happy Returns

I shut down writing on this blog while I was in Manila. For those waiting on me to update on this space detailing my life in the Philippines, well, so sorry, this is supposed to be my expatriate blog, not a life journal (though of course it has been, like so, for a long time).

Facebook is the culprit. It has managed to make a mess of the long form of writing. It gives everybody a chance to express an opinion without thinking that stuff through. Fortunately for many, that is just enough for the kind of expression that they need.

I arrived in Saudi Arabia on Sunday morning around 3:00am local time, made my way out of the airport with six others who would join our company at 4:30am, and arrived at my temporary accommodation at around 5:00am. After a short nap and a shower, I immediately reported for work that same morning.

There is enough excitement in me to get started on my job, but I am realist enough to admit that this initial enthusiasm is not the best tool for me now. It should, naturally, fuel my drive while I am adjusting again to life in the Middle East. As with all things, excellence cannot be guaranteed by wishes and words, but must always be validated by action, day in and day out. I can occasionally let off the throttle to give me some rest, but I am ready to blaze some trails.

I won't be defined by my job. Perhaps my reluctance to do exactly so put in me a position to squander a lot of opportunities. I have put myself and others to grief for that - be that as it may, I have squeezed as much comfort and lessons to ensure that I will not be a cautionary tale. Some of the good I put into my life had made that possible, for which I am grateful.

For the next months, while I regain my bearings, I will aim for the job to define me.

There are no red shoes to wear, but in case I am lonely, I will close my eyes and tap my heels together three times, and think to myself, "There's no place like home..."

Keeping my fingers crossed.