I am in an unfortunate position of having to cram for something I should have done some time past. But if it gets me back into some semblance of fire for the job, then so be it. Lately I have noticed I have been going through the motions. It gets things done, but it's not the same. And I want to believe in what I am doing. Because without it, this whole existence becomes more unbearable.
It's been two weeks since I have returned from my vacation. Manila remains beautiful, flawed, frustrating, and addictive. I refer to her not only for the geographical location but also for the life that happens there. I love being there, but for the immediate future, I need to be here. This year, I've divided my vacation into two parts so I can put some priorities in order. And I'm not surprised that things went down as they should.
I cannot encapsulate the world I have left into one big treat. Relationships take time, and I can only devote what I can give to those which are most important to me. I tried to give some time to new kinds of friends, or open the prospects for a relationship, and for some reason they never even panned out. They never even occurred. It's still on me for not trying harder. And somewhere inside me, I know I can. It's just that I lack the courage to let my heart burst for caring too much.
I'm old. I've been beaten down by this. However, I refuse to give up caring. In my job it's hard to keep on doing it and coping with the reality of expatriate life in Saudi Arabia. I look into someone's eyes and I know I've been there. I can only offer sympathies.
For us to bounce back, we have to suck up the hurt and keep on dreaming that someday all this would mean something. Maybe we're kidding ourselves, but we have to believe that this separation adds more value to the lives of the people we love. That is enough. That is more than enough.