Monday, January 31, 2005

Rebirth

For the gift of life, for the gift of love. For my late father, for my mother who waits for my return. For today, which would have been their forty-seventh wedding anniversary.

Once I wrote of birth, waiting to be reborn. For a memory fourteen years past, for a life fourteen years hence that I may be able to look at this time with fondness.

For my family - the one that gave me life, and for those others who shared their lives and gave me inspiration.

Ang Anak Sa Sinapupunan ng Ina
Nagising ako sa kadiliman.
Hindi ko alam kung sino ako, o ano ako.
Basta, ang alam ko, bunga ako ng pagmamahalan.
Nag-ugat ako sa isang handog ng pag-ibig.
Iyon pa lang ang nasasaisip ko, maligaya na ako.
Sino kaya ang nagbigay buhay sa akin?
Ano kaya ang ginagawa nila?
Ano ang kanilang katangiang kahanga-hanga?
Ano ang kanilang pagkukulang?
Handa ko silang mahalin, dahil binuhay nila ako...
Ewan ko ba kung bakit ganito ang naiisip ko.
Kabubuo ko pa lamang, ang dami ko nang tanong.

Ang Ina, Umaasa
Naramdaman ko ang buhay na namutawi sa loob ko.
Batid ko ang anak ko sa aking sinapupunan.
Lalaki ba siya, o babae? Matangkad o pandak?
A, basta, kahit ano pa siya, minamahal ko siya.
Kahit maging pangit pa siya para sa iba.
Sa akin, magandang-maganda siya, o kaya,
Napakaguwapo! Anak ko yata 'yan.
Hindi na bale ang paghihirap, kasama 'yan
Sa kaligayahang matatamo sa pagdadala ng bagong tao,
Bagong buhay dito sa mundong kinagigiliwan...
Sabik na akong halikan at hagkan siya,
Ang anak ko!...Mahal na mahal kita!

Ang Ama, Nagsasaya
Tatay na ako! Nabigyang katuparan ang aking inaasam!
Ang anak ko ang magiging pambato namin,
Ang pagyayabang ng aming pamilya!
Sana lalaki, tagadala ng pangalan, bisig na masasandalan!
Kung babae?...hahangaan ng buong pamayanan!
Hindi na ako makapagpigil, kailangan kong magsaya!
Tatay na ako, naiinitindihan ninyo ba ang ligaya
Ng mag-alaga at magpalaki ng iyong anak,
Ng magbigay-ligaya sa sanggol at sa batang lumalaki,
Ng magkayod at magsikap para sa kanyang kinakailangan?
Handa na akong magtiis para sa iyo, anak,
Mahal kita! Kahit sino ka man, mahal kita...

Ang Kapatid, Hindi Mapakali
Nadagdagan pa kami, biyaya raw ng Diyos.
Naku! Ang dami pang abala ng sanggol na iyan!
Ang dami pang kakulitan at kaguluhan ang bibigay niya!
At higit pa sa lahat, magmumukha pa akong matanda,
Kasi, mas bata siya sa akin....nakakahiya, 'no?
Diyahe pala ang matawag na ate o kuya, at manong o manang.
Pero...masarap sigurong maging bantay sa bata,
Nakakakiliti pa lang isipin na mayroong akong matuturuan,
Na ako ay magiging huwara para sa kanyang mabuting paghubog,
At higit pa sa lahat...mauutusan at mauuto!
Hindi naman, kasama iyan sa pagmamahal, sa kapatiran.
'Tol, kahit kailan, naririto ako para sa iyo.

Ang Ina
Anak ko, anong biyaya ang maibibigay ko sa iyo?
Anong pamanang maihandog na iyong pagyayabang?
Anong pagmamahal na iyong ikalalaki at ipapamahagi?
Anong pag-arugang iyong ilalakip na parang hiyas?
Anong parangal ang ikatataas at ikabubuti mo?

Ang Ama
Anak ko, sapat ba ang aking huwaran para sa iyo?
Ako ba'y nagtataglay ng kabutihang iyong sasaliminin?
Ako ba'y isang bayani sa iyong paninigin?
Ano pa ba dapat ang aking gagawin para sa iyo?

Ang Kapatid
Kapatid, sana hindi lamang tayo magkadugo, ngunit magkaibigan,
Na ang kadalisayan ng pagmamahal ang siyang pangpatingkad
Sa atin...ano pa ang aabutin ko para sa iyo?

Mga Gabay ng Sanggol
Kung hindi sapat ang puso ko sa pagbibigay ng pagmamahal,
Kung hindi sapat ang kamay ko sa pag-alaga,
Kung hindi sapat ang dugo't pawis ko sa pag-aalala,
Iaalay ko ang aking buong sarili...para sa iyo.

Ang Sanggol
Salamat, mga nagmamahal sa akin, salamat sa
Pagmamalasakit ninyo...Ano ang aking pagkatao
Na kayo'y magdulot ng inyong buong pagkatao,
Na kayo'y mag-alay ng inyong pag-ibig...
Sino ba ako? Bakit ako ganito kahalaga?
Ano ba ang aking halaga para sa inyo?
Sana, hindi maglaho ang inyong pangako...
Pero, alam, hindi mangyayari iyon, ibibigay ninyo
Kung ano ang makakaya ninyo...Sana, sana, sana,
Humigit ang handog ko inyo sa pagdaos ng panahon...
Iyan ang aking pangako, sana hindi ako mabigo...

Panahon ko na para maisilang!

Monday, January 10, 2005

I'll Be Seeing You Again...

When I first heard the confirmation that one of my friends had stomach cancer, I was dumbfounded. I had known that he had an operation to address a malignant tumor, but since I moved to KSA I had no idea how bad it was.

So I wrote my friends that our friend, indeed, is losing his fight against stomach cancer. I wrote: Please pray for him that he makes it to another round. It hurts to say it, but if not, please pray for him that his soul will be freed from anger, despair, and regret for the time he has remaining.

I was glad that in the intervening months between the operation and his death my friend accepted his impending mortality and learned how to treasure whatever time he had left. Battista said: "The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're still alive." I'm glad in some small way, he knew that I cared.

At his passing, I was reminded of this story – I don’t remember where I first learned of it – about a man visiting an old lady’s grave. When I read the obituary of our friend –

CARLOS MIGUEL BALUYUT
June 11, 1976 – January 10, 2005

I wouldn’t measure his life by the number of years that he lived. I’d like to focus on the “–” that represented the entirety of his life. Funny that in most cases we are so focused on the beginning and end we never look at the “between.”

I dare not write a testimonial because I fear it will not be the truest and most faithful representation of Miggy. All I can say is that I treasure all the good times, and only wish I could have helped out more during the bad. As in all things I wish I could have been a better person to Miggy while he was still alive. My heart goes out to all of those who had to watch and wait for a dear friend to end his days.

One lesson that his life has taught me is that we can never celebrate life too much. No one can stay the inevitability of death, but only to live life as best as we could.

In the middle of 2004, I heard the news that the wife of one of my close colleagues from the Namfrel days died in a road accident, leaving behind a child who hadn't even celebrated his second birthday. Late last month, my mother's youngest brother died.

I have no personal connection with the victims of the recent calamities (especially the ones closer to home who were overshadowed by the Indian Ocean tsunami), but I empathize with the members of the affected communities as they get through the trauma such a tragedy has wrought on their lives.

Life is precious. But even more precious are those moments we share with those whom we love, and those moments of clarity where we fully realize the hand of God in our lives.

I’ll say no more before my sorrow swallows me up in front of my desk.

To all who were honored to be called friends by Miggy, be true and love one another always.

Miggy, I'll be seeing you again, someday.

What we do today, right now, will have an accumulated effect on all our tomorrows. - Alexandra Stoddard -

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Having a little faith...


Adapted from my e-mail...

Happy New Year!

Now how am I going to make a few resolutions for this year?

As I write, I am down to three months and 17 days, or if one prefers to be exact, 76 days before my contract ends and I will be due for a vacation. Some of my Indian colleagues transpose their v's and w's and their f's and v's. In the first case, "visa" becomes "wisa," while in the second, I'd rather not quote how they pronounce "vacation."

Resolutions, resolutions, let's pull out a few ones out of the hat from years gone by:

2001: Hold on to a job, at least longer than one year.

Status: Achieved, though only in 2003. I'm fighting for the "inches" of my career, in the words of Tony D (played by Al Pacino) in "Any Given Sunday." So far, doing okay.

2002: Never be held hostage by the opinions of others.

Status: It worked a great deal in '02 and '03, but here in KSA I'm on a different operating system so the jury's still out.

2003: Get something meaningful done in my job.

Status: I FAILED! Which led to...

2004: Dust off the cobwebs on my career and do something more challenging and more importantly, more financially rewarding.

Status: Am now finishing my first OFW contract, which I never dreamed of doing. Ever. But now that I'm here, it's a mixed bag of good and bad. Mostly good.

So what does 2005 bring? It is said that the absence of one thing draws more acute attention to it. What I don't have here:

a) Constant presence of family
b) The nourishment from a spiritual community (technically I could get some, but I don't want to switch religions just yet, or to belong to an organized group over here)
c) A steady relationship which would lead to a commitment. Of course, the side benefits that go with it. Or not.
d) Alcohol (NOT!)

2004 has been a really rough year on the world. I'm not about to go "millennial" and say this is the time of the "rapture" (as wonderfully advertised by Wilde E. Almeda, hehe), but there are signs that for life to be more meaningful, we have to go back to what is important. PDA's, new cars and such trappings one may not have, but one may derive joy and contentment from what one does, or with those that one loves.

I'd like to say 2005 would be a great year to build up on my faith life. Whether this would bring me to other things, I don't really know. But that sense of wonder, that strength of conviction, I'm sure, would give me a more solid anchor in these challenging times. I trust it will do the same for you, too.

Have a great 2005 everyone!

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly." - Barbara J. Winter -