Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Not Yet After, But It Is

Willing Exile: Just Hangin'

If there's a way I can gift-wrap this message for a particular someone, I would.  But then again, what I mean to reach one person may just end up being misinterpreted by someone else.  I'd like to be known yet still unseen, not much unlike Lionel Richie in Hello, only not as creepy.

It gets tiresome to sweet-lemon the result when there is so much residual bitterness.  Intellectually I am aware of this feeling of never fully letting go, but emotionally it is still there.  And I don't like to pretend that the feeling isn't affecting me.  It does.  Because the feeling, because of the choices surrounding it, encompass my whole life as it stands right now.

No, no more positive spin for this right now.  I'd like the feeling to sear into me and leave its mark.  Only then can I let it go and try, as best as I can, to move on.

I'm not begging to be pitied.  In fact, I don't even care for acceptance or understanding.  I just want to say what I would like to say, and then I hope that will be the end of this.

I get stressed in having to delay many of my gratifications in life, if only because someone else has to be first. No one could do it, so I must.  It would be much more fulfilling if I had my own family and kids to raise, but I don't.  I see no relief at the end of this tunnel.  I am just glad to see my sisters' children grow, because I have none of my own.

It's a quandary to feel hateful and resentful about the people I love.  I feel like such a bad person feeling these things.  I hate being away from home, yet I am so glad that I am not burdened with the daily grind of having to be there and mind this petty thing or the other.  I am filled with longing that I am about to burst.  I'd like to be emptied and feel nothing, quite suddenly.

I am no hero.  I would like to believe that I would be a much more likeable person because of the things with which I have to deal.  I'm not.  I still have those traits which make people such as me valued but not desired. I am certainly no romantic paragon that fills some maiden's dreams.  If I were, unconditionally, I'd remark that as something strange.  Naturally I scoff at people who insist that I am a catch.  If I were, someone would have caught me already.  Or vice-versa.

I'm Dr. Gregory House.  Or perhaps Dr. Jack McKee in that obscure William Hurt/Elizabeth Perkins movie.  Wanting to let people in but just managing to drive them away.

I'm Walter White. Driven by necessity, riddled with periodic self-loathing, but irascible and oftentimes reckless.  Or maybe another Walter - Walter Bishop - dreaming of a better future but consumed by self-doubt over past transgressions.  Turning over a new leaf is not that simple.

Or maybe I'm just John Reese - caught up in a world that is moving hither and yonder, always grasping at my moral compass, fighting to scrape up some happiness while doing all the good that I can do.  I'd like to believe I'm Harvey Specter, but oftentimes I fall into being Mike Ross.

Hmmm.  Or maybe I'm just Tyrion Lannister.

I've watched way too much TV.  Sometimes, it's the only catharsis one could get.  It's not yet after the season of Christmas, but it is, because it has never been. The things we do in the name of love - affirming the needs of our families by working so far away from them.  What a cruel joke.  I'm still waiting on it to become funny.

Don't tell anyone being an OFW in the Middle East should be their career trajectory.  It shouldn't be.  Politics and everything aside, this is an unnatural state of affairs for anyone.  Sadly, our leaders have raised the white flag, giving away valued workers like handing out excess puppies and kittens.   Ack --- I have no more wish to comment.  That reality cannot be changed overnight.

If only I could be half as charming as the actors playing these characters.... oh well.

As for the object of my affection in my link to a previous entry, I did crash and burn with that project.

For her, as I throw these words into cyberspace:
I haven't changed my mind at all about you.  Maybe I'm wrong about you, but I'd like to believe that I was right.  If only you had more faith in me.  I don't expect you to change your mind, and I only wish for your happiness.  If I were to be an important part of that happiness, then I could never be more grateful.
My only earnest hope is that I don't pass up another opportunity to meet someone else special, and that I treat her the way that she deserves, the way I would want her to care for me.
Now on to more reflection for the New Year.  If Christmas can get this bad, think of all the thoughts the prospect of another year would bring.  Yup, that's a darned meat grinder.

No comments: