Failure, Inevitably

I am an addict for nostalgia. It comes with the territory of primarily being desk-bound at work - lots of time to think on and off the job.

The hard part of nostalgia is reliving all the memories - both the good and the bad - and normally the bad memories stick out like sore thumbs. The design of emotion is such negativity will come up much more quickly over the positives. Or is it just me? Reminds me of Lennon's "God" where he says "God is a Concept by which we measure our pain."

Whichever is true, it still surprises me how people react to the prospect of failure. Since we are finite beings, inevitably there will come a time where we will fail at something. That's a hidebound, set-in-stone guarantee. I still wince, though, looking back at the failures in my life...

I have failed to keep my weight at a consistent level.
Earlier in my career, for a variety of reasons, I have failed to hold down jobs, even those of the cakewalk variety, or where I have even been an ideal fit.
I have failed to sustain a number of relationships that would have led to my making a lifetime commitment with someone.
I have failed to live up to my potential through my academic career (a failure which haunts me to this day).
I have let so many friends down during critical times.

It hurts to remember the failures. Still, it is liberating to be free of the baggage that came with those failures. I have accepted that I have failed and whatever consequences I have already reaped (and may, still, in the future) are already part and parcel of my life. They have defined me until this very moment; and despite the uncertainty of my future, I have already ceded control over those parts of my life's equation.

I am free because my flaws have allowed me to narrow my options; and since those options remain my only possible courses of action, I am more eager to do what I can and must in my present. It does give me some pressure, but it's a healthy kind of pressure, a pressure that tells me, "Rise to your level. You're better than this, so strive to be yourself."

It gives me the thrill out of being alive.

The prospect of failure of course remains daunting. Whether I fail or not is the question - failure does come, inevitably; what matters is that whether I will give myself an opportunity to fail --- but more than that, to succeed.

Ouch!

This article by former Supreme Court Justice Isagani Cruz is so spot-on the sting of it really smarts. Ouch!

Probable theme of the day: Lack of energy - I really need to cut down on some of that fatty stuff. My ankle hurts! (So again, another ouch!) Dampened creativity - need to jump-start my brain...

Mood of the day: Some desperation, some loneliness thrown as my expected correspondents seem to go on with their lives well enough without dropping me a missive. (Third time's probably the charm, I hope.)

Slightly Random Thoughts

As one approaches this stage of life, it's hard the balancing the cold reality of pragmatism and the innocent dreams of youth. I once walked the streets declaring for a new order, fantasized about creating a new successful brand of communism, one that enables the people to build a stronger economy... oh, wait, the Chinese already have that!

My contemporaries who have their married lives have their lives in orbit around the sun of FAMILY, but I just wouldn't hand them the trophy of "successful lives" just yet. Still, it makes me wonder what exactly I have done in this lifetime. By the way, I have my family around me, anyway, only thing is I don't have a wife yet. (I'm babbling).

After all that is said and done, it never occurred to me that I should be making a record of something. Otherwise, I would have cheapened every act of charity I committed by asking for a receipt. Or insisting on a photo op.

I just wonder though if there is a way to freeze those moments in time. One way the management gurus tell us in reducing stress is to celebrate previous successes, no matter how small they may be.

So now I will have to withdraw into that world for a while until the next ripe opportunity for success turns out to be for real.

Going back though, I would like to refresh those moments of dreaming of a better world. Utopias still exist because there's still so much I have to do. In the spirit of John Lennon's "Imagine," I'd like to put in Florante's "Sana." (The remake never happened, please!)

With thanks to Florante's website.

SANA
Sana ang buhay ay walang dulo o hangganan.
Sana’y wala ng taong mahirap o mayaman.
Sana’y iisa ang kulay, sana ay wala ng away...

Sana’y pag-ibig na lang ang isipin ng bawat isa sa mundo.
Sana’y pag-ibig na lang ang isipin, sana’y magkatotoo.
Sana’y laging magbigayan.
Sana’y laging magmahalan.

Sana ang tao’y hindi nagugutom o nauuhaw.
Sana’y hindi na gumagabi o umaaraw.
Sana ay walang tag-init, sana ay walang taglamig

Sana’y pag-ibig na lang ang isipin ng bawat isa sa mundo.
Sana’y pag-ibig na lang ang isipin, sana’y magkatotoo.
Sana’y laging magbigayan
Sana’y laging magmahalan

Sana’y pag-ibig na lang ang isipin ng bawat isa sa mundo.
Sana’y pag-ibig na lang ang isipin, sana’y magkatotoo.
Sana’y laging magbigayan
Sana’y laging magmahalan
Sana’y pag-ibig na lang ang isipin ng bawat isa sa mundo.
Sana’y pag-ibig na lang ang isipin, sana’y magkatotoo.
Sana’y laging magbigayan
Sana’y laging magmahalan

How Life Must End

Today is a day of remembering ... for four years he was the guy who was right after me in the class list. For years his mother and mine were always comparing notes about their boys, though we, their sons, tried to go on separate tracks.

I could say he was a natural - he was one of those sorts who earned his "street credibility" because he was so grown-up, almost a man by the time both of us were fifteen. And I knew he was smart - it was just a question of how his intelligence was oriented. While a number of us were in one sense "deluded" by intellectual exercises and world issues, he was coming to grips with his own identity, something that only came to me later in college and in my professional life.

One of my regrets was that I never really bothered to know him. He was on one end of the "spectra" in our homeroom class, and I was always regarded to be on the other.

His name was Saturnino Laririt III, dead by his own hand these fifteen years past. I can never confess to be one of his true friends while he was alive, so I will do my best to respect his memory now that he is dead. I had this vision of his eventual fate one day while we were walking to class sixteen years ago, when he told me he couldn't sleep and had to take a whole lot of sleeping pills. It was a sign that I didn't hook up on. But who knew? He was tough, resourceful, resilient, popular with girls --- the kind of guy I would have wanted to be except that I wanted better grades.

Life will come to an end for all of us --- and it would be a false breast-beating to go back over something that cannot be undone --- but I would have appreciated knowing Boying a little more, given the way my life turned out and how his, unfortunately, came to an accelerated end.

In the poignant song by Michael Jackson, the best moments of our lives are now, and the beauty of each person is to be treasured. Easier said than done, but it would be worth trying...

With music by Larry Grossman and lyrics by Buz Kohan

GONE TOO SOON
Like a comet
Blazing 'cross the evening sky
Gone too soon

Like a rainbow
Fading in the twinkling of an eye
Gone too soon

Shiny and sparkly
And splendidly bright
Here one day
Gone one night

Like the loss of sunlight
On a cloudy afternoon
Gone too soon

Like a castle
Built upon a sandy beach
Gone too soon

Like a perfect flower
That is just beyond your reach
Gone too soon

Born to amuse,
to inspire, to delight
Here one day
Gone one night

Like a sunset
Dying with the rising of the moon
Gone too soon

Gone too soon...

Sed quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

The title comes from Roman satirist Juvenal's 2nd-century poem, and translates to: "But who watches the watchmen?"

The poem was an outright lambast on the decay of Roman morality. Men use the institution of marriage to advance their own careers, without regard for their feelings or commitments to the marriage vows; women, now aware of their bargaining power through the marital relationship, apparently do the same.

I never was a follower of double standards: what's good/bad for the goose should also be the same for the gander.

Yes, this is another rant on the political state of the Philippines under the "faithful watchmen" of our institutions. I quote the poem's most memorable quatrain:

"I hear all this time the advice of my old friends—
Put on a lock and keep your wife guarded behind doors.
Yes, but who will watch the watchmen?
The wife arranges accordingly and begins sleeping with them."

I am willing to take a gamble on the oppositionists, if only they have more to gain in making good on the demands for reform and change. However, I remain wary that their complaints are only for their self-serving agenda will do nothing for the good of the people and for the State.

This, however, does not let the administration off the hook. Likewise, I am tired of the loyalists who claim "pragmatism" and turn a blind eye to the shameful conduct of affairs of this administration. I am sick of them saying "I am not affected by these events, and all the evils in our country are caused by the opposition and the communists."

Sure thing.

I guess it's the opposition's and communists' fault that a conclusive case has not been built against the Estradas, despite all the documentation collated during the impeachment case in 2000-2001. Let's not forget that the Marcoses have subsequently "rehabilitated" their image and that the late President Marcos can earn a burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Mark that against the opposition and communists too.

I guess it's the opposition's and communists' fault that Congressman Mikey Arroyo's net worth ballooned from P5 million to P74 million in two years.

I guess it's the opposition's and communists' fault that despite a clean slate and overwhelming public support, our electoral system has not been modernized. And that we lost something like P800 million to P1.2 billion in the process.

I guess it's the opposition's and communists' fault that a suspected vote-padder (among other things), Virgilio Garcillano, was appointed Comelec commissioner.

I guess it's the opposition's and communists' fault that P200 million was spent on the most-expensive (per kilometer) thoroughfare ever built, and that it was named after the President's late father to boot.

I guess it's the opposition's and communists' fault that no accounting can ever be made of the money OFWs paid for medical benefits, money that was funnelled to secure political support during the 2004 elections and thereafter.

I guess it's the opposition's and communists' fault that cases against the Oakwood plotters, Gen. Garcia, and a number of grafters are not moving.

I guess it's the opposition's and communists' fault our budget will balloon to P1.1 trillion, leaving us in a greater debt hole and sink us into a deeper fiscal crisis.

Too much democracy? I disagree. The involvement of the people in our democracy is at best marginal despite all the signs of "mob rule." Mob rule is not democracy. Mob rule only obeys one rule: the raw emotion of the mob.

Strongman rule? All too tempting. From Plato down to Nietzsche, the establishment of authoritarian rule by a cadre of supermen has been the prescription for a healthier, more peaceful environment in which we can live.

As with the case of Marcos, he was both a victim and an exponent of our societal decay.

No matter whom we put on the watch, the question still arises - Who will watch the watchmen?

Until Filipinos grow up to be a more mature people, we will wallow in this morass.

Props to Thomas Gray

Gray's "Elegy Written in A Country Church-Yard" has to be one of the most anthologized poems written in English. It has the classic style all over it, with a few moralist tales for good measure. Just fits my mood today, so I guess it deserves some space here.

As for Gray himself, I am shocked that I didn't read up more on him when I was in high school and memorizing (not studying, of course, mind you) this piece. The parts of "Let Not Ambition..." and "Full many a gem..." are so spot-on; one more chafing and tragic reality in the world is that so many children die as thralls of evil politics and exclusion.

That the world is still on its course in this fashion makes me a privileged individual.

Your pardon, Heavenly Father, if I am blind to the blessings You have made possible for me to have.

=======

ELEGY WRITTEN IN A COUNTRY CHURCH-YARD
The curfew tolls the knell of parting day,
The lowing herd winds slowly o'er the lea,
The ploughman homeward plods his weary way,
And leaves the world to darkness and to me.

Now fades the glimmering landscape on the sight,
And all the air a solemn stillness holds,
Save where the beetle wheels his droning flight,
And drowsy tinklings lull the distant folds:

Save that from yonder ivy-mantled tower
The moping owl does to the moon complain
Of such as, wandering near her secret bower,
Molest her ancient solitary reign.

Beneath those rugged elms, that yew-tree's shade,
Where heaves the turf in many a mouldering heap,
Each in his narrow cell for ever laid,
The rude Forefathers of the hamlet sleep.

The breezy call of incense-breathing morn,
The swallow twittering from the straw-built shed,
The cock's shrill clarion, or the echoing horn,
No more shall rouse them from their lowly bed.

For them no more the blazing hearth shall burn,
Or busy housewife ply her evening care:
No children run to lisp their sire's return,
Or climb his knees the envied kiss to share,

Oft did the harvest to their sickle yield,
Their furrow oft the stubborn glebe has broke;
How jocund did they drive their team afield!
How bow'd the woods beneath their sturdy stroke!

Let not Ambition mock their useful toil,
Their homely joys, and destiny obscure;
Nor Grandeur hear with a disdainful smile
The short and simple annals of the Poor.

The boast of heraldry, the pomp of power,
And all that beauty, all that wealth e'er gave,
Awaits alike th' inevitable hour:-
The paths of glory lead but to the grave.

Nor you, ye Proud, impute to these the fault
If Memory o'er their tomb no trophies raise,
Where through the long-drawn aisle and fretted vault
The pealing anthem swells the note of praise.

Can storied urn or animated bust
Back to its mansion call the fleeting breath?
Can Honour's voice provoke the silent dust,
Or Flattery soothe the dull cold ear of Death?

Perhaps in this neglected spot is laid
Some heart once pregnant with celestial fire;
Hands, that the rod of empire might have sway'd,
Or waked to ecstasy the living lyre:

But Knowledge to their eyes her ample page,
Rich with the spoils of time, did ne'er unroll;
Chill Penury repress'd their noble rage,
And froze the genial current of the soul.

Full many a gem of purest ray serene
The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear:
Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,
And waste its sweetness on the desert air.

Some village-Hampden, that with dauntless breast
The little tyrant of his fields withstood,
Some mute inglorious Milton here may rest,
Some Cromwell, guiltless of his country's blood.

Th' applause of list'ning senates to command,
The threats of pain and ruin to despise,
To scatter plenty o'er a smiling land,
And read their history in a nation's eyes,

Their lot forbad: nor circumscribed alone
Their growing virtues, but their crimes confined;
Forbad to wade through slaughter to a throne,
And shut the gates of mercy on mankind,

The struggling pangs of conscious truth to hide,
To quench the blushes of ingenuous shame,
Or heap the shrine of Luxury and Pride
With incense kindled at the Muse's flame.

Far from the madding crowd's ignoble strife,
Their sober wishes never learn'd to stray;
Along the cool sequester'd vale of life
They kept the noiseless tenour of their way.

Yet e'en these bones from insult to protect
Some frail memorial still erected nigh,
With uncouth rhymes and shapeless sculpture deck'd,
Implores the passing tribute of a sigh.

Their name, their years, spelt by th' unletter'd Muse,
The place of fame and elegy supply:
And many a holy text around she strews,
That teach the rustic moralist to die.

For who, to dumb forgetfulness a prey,
This pleasing anxious being e'er resign'd,
Left the warm precincts of the cheerful day,
Nor cast one longing lingering look behind?

On some fond breast the parting soul relies,
Some pious drops the closing eye requires;
E'en from the tomb the voice of Nature cries,
E'en in our ashes live their wonted fires.

For thee, who, mindful of th' unhonour'd dead,
Dost in these lines their artless tale relate;
If chance, by lonely contemplation led,
Some kindred spirit shall inquire thy fate,

--Haply some hoary-headed swain may say,
Oft have we seen him at the peep of dawn
Brushing with hasty steps the dews away,
To meet the sun upon the upland lawn;

'There at the foot of yonder nodding beech
That wreathes its old fantastic roots so high.
His listless length at noontide would he stretch,
And pore upon the brook that babbles by.

'Hard by yon wood, now smiling as in scorn,
Muttering his wayward fancies he would rove;
Now drooping, woeful wan, like one forlorn,
Or crazed with care, or cross'd in hopeless love.

'One morn I miss'd him on the custom'd hill,
Along the heath, and near his favourite tree;
Another came; nor yet beside the rill,
Nor up the lawn, nor at the wood was he;

'The next with dirges due in sad array
Slow through the church-way path we saw him borne,-
Approach and read (for thou canst read) the lay
Graved on the stone beneath yon aged thorn.'

The Epitaph
Here rests his head upon the lap of Earth
A youth to Fortune and to Fame unknown.
Fair Science frowned not on his humble birth,
And Melacholy marked him for her own.

Large was his bounty, and his soul sincere,
Heaven did a recompense as largely send:
He gave to Misery all he had, a tear,
He gained from Heaven ('twas all he wish'd) a friend.

No farther seek his merits to disclose,
Or draw his frailties from their dread abode
(There they alike in trembling hope repose),
The bosom of his Father and his God.

By Thomas Gray (1716-71).

Maliwanag

Kung ang buwan ay maliwanag
At iilawan ang ating mundo
Bulag pa rin ang aking pag-iisip
Puno ng lungkot na sa liwanag ay
Kikitil.

Kung ang tinig mo ay maliwanag
At babasagin ang katahimikan
Bingi pa rin ang aking kaluluwa
Nagumon ng pagkabalisa't
Pinipigil.

Liwanag ang layon ng Maykapal
Sa pagbuo ng ating mundo
Liwanag ang lagi mong hinahanap
Sa oras ng paggising mo
Hinulma tayo ayon sa liwanag
At magbigay-ligaya sa lahat ng nilalang.
Saksi tayo ng nag-iisang liwanag
Na nag-alay sa atin ng katotohanan.

Kung ang diwa ko ay may liwanag
At maunawaan ang aking sinasalamin
Ang kinabukasan ko'y walang katiyakan
Balot sa pangagamba, bihag ng
Hilahil.

Waiting for the Fall

It's almost impossible to think of the most intense passions without coming up with bad poetry. Of course even with passions the circus back home is front-and-center in my consciousness. The political situation in the Philippines would turn off most people; I am glued to the set finding out reason or rhyme to this whole mess.

My only comment for all the opportunistic politicians is: Ang kakapal n'yo!

Back to poetry... I remember this wonderful piece by Byron which Ron Perlman read during the series "Beauty and the Beast" (in the '80s, when Linda Hamilton was still relevant).

She Walks In Beauty
She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade more, one ray less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

Lord Byron (1788-1824)

"The First Time I Loved Forever" from that show was also a poignant song... posting this, I am aware that I am reaching for catharsis, but I want to avoid writing any more bad poetry, as evidenced by this comment. Spontaneous gusts of emotion may seem to carry the whole world on your shoulders, but it's still third-rate writing.

I've learned that emotion too, while filling the life of a romance, is not what would create a great relationship. I'm still young enough to savor the juvenile dreams I had, but I no longer have the alacrity to jump at the prospect of a possible relationship.

Erich Fromm writes: "Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Does it make my life less that I have no one specific to share my life with? My friends in the religious say that one's existence takes on a greater relevance when there is a mission. It's strange but when I revisit my own statements, I'm actually doing what I wrote down.

So why do I still feel alone? Do I need to fall in love again?

Only the Lord knows.

"Blessed are those who long to give all the time to God and shake themselves free of all the trammels of this world. My soul, here is something for you to heed; shut fast the doors that comes through the senses, that so you hear what the Lord your God is speaking within you."
--- Thomas a Kempis, the Imitation of Christ

O me! O life!

There is a tendency for people to go inward rather than outward when facing crises. Some people call it listening to the voice of God. Some people call it meditation and clearing out emotional baggage. My former colleagues at Integrative Learning would call it an A-I-C time (it isn't the same, really, if you ask them).

Whatever name it may be, reflection oftentimes works.

My inspiration is Uncle Walt (Whitman, not Disney), and strangely enough, I discovered this poem through Peter Weir's "Dead Poets Society":

O me! O life! of these questions recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill'd with the foolish,
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew'd,
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring - What good amid these? O me, O life?

Answer -
That you are here - that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.
(Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass)


My thoughts exactly. Still feeling irrelevant? Just read back and reflect.

And - oh! the political situation in the Philippines, hey? What more can I say? I'm just glad to be

SITTING ON THE FENCE.

Because it feels so pretentious to bellow out one way or the other as the impasse grows. The terror attacks in London carry more significance as what kinds of freedom will be affected by the measures the British government will take.

Still, the oppressed remain oppressed. John Lennon puts it succinctly in one of the Beatles' B-side's, "Rain":

If the rain comes they run and hide their heads.
They might as well be dead.
If the rain comes, if the rain comes.

When the sun shines they slip into the shade
(When the sun shines down.)
And drink their lemonade.
(When the sun shines down.)
When the sun shines, when the sun shines.

Rain, I don't mind.
Shine, the weather's fine.

I can show you that when it starts to rain,
(When the rain comes down.)
Everything's the same.
(When the rain comes down.)
I can show you, I can show you.

Rain, I don't mind.
Shine, the weather's fine.

Can you hear me, that when it rains and shines,
(When it rains and shines.)
It's just a state of mind?
(When itrains and shines.)
Can you hear me, can you hear me?

sdaeh rieht edih dna nur yeht semoc niar eht fI.
(Rain)
naiR.
(Rain)
enihsnuS.

Rain or shine, it's all the same, the politicking musical-chairs game.

Mga Pana-Panaginip

Dedicated to the seniors of Tala Public High School, 1991-92.

Unang Boses
Minsan, parati na lang tayong nahihimbing.
Ayaw na nating magising, panay pangarap na lang.
E sino ba ang hahangad ng katotohanan
Kapag napakasaya ng ating mundo sa guniguni?
Ano ang iyong masasabi sa aking pangarap
Na aabot sa bituin at sasakop sa mundo?

Ako, ang nais ko ay ang maging matagumpay
Sa larangan ng pangangalakal at sa kayamanan.
Magtatayo ako ng makapalasyong bahay
At magmamay-ari ako ng sandosenang sasakyan.
Hindi naman lingid sa karamihan natin dito
Ang kayamanan ay kapangyariha't katanyagan.
Mahirap ngang yumaman at ito'y totoo
Pagpapakasakit at pagsisikap ang sikreto diyan.

Ikalawang Boses
Sino nga ba ang maniniwala sa kahibangan
Na iyong pinapangarap sa iyong sarili?
Sabagay, kilala ko naman ang nais mo
Makasarili at suwapang sa kuwartang
Hindi mo naman maiuuwi sa iyong libingan.
Di bale na lang, iba na ang aking pakay.

Sa Panginoon ko ihahandog at iaalay
Puso't diwa ko, at ang buong buhay.
Hangad ko ang pagturo ng Kanyang batas,
At isabog ang pag-ibig ng Tagapagligtas,
Hamunin ang tao para sa kabutihan
At sikapin na sila'y mapaglingkuran.
Mahirap na buhay, at huwag kayong magkamali
Pumasok na alangan, at magapasya ng madali.

Ikatlong Boses
Ha! Sino naman ang niloko ninyo
Mga hunghang na tulog habang kayo'y dilat?
Sino naman ang makikinabang
Sa huling pagbigay ng iyong pagsisikap,
Kung kayo'y walang anak na mapapangaralan
Upang magbuhat ng iyong pamana?

Pamilyang buo at masaya sa bawat araw
Ang aking ninanais at pinagsisikapan,
Pawis at hirap ko sa kanila'y laan,
At ito'y magbubunga pagdating ng araw.
Pamilyang mabuti ang siyang nagdudulot
Mabuting mamamayan at tanyag na pinuno.
At kung susundan natin ang ating ninuno,
Sila'y nagkamali, kaya ito ang naabot!

Sila'y Nagkasabay
Kayo'y nagkamali, pangarap ninyo'y di-likas
Sa hinahangad ng tao't layon niyang tunay!
Ano pa kaya ang hahanapin ng isang tao
Kung hindi ang mga bagay sa kaluluwa'y bukal?
Ang pangarap na ganiya'y hindi nauukol
Sa katotohanan ng ating buhay
At sa kahirapan ng ating mundo?

Unang Boses
Ako ang tama! Kayo ang mali!
Ang hinahanap ng tao'y tagumpay ng sarili!
Hindi sakripisyong walang katuparan
Ngunit pagsisikap para sa kayamanan!

Ikalawang Boses
Hindi! Nagkakamali ka!
Ang layon ng tao'y ay wala nang iba
Kung hindi paglingkuran ang ating Poon
At tumamo ng lugar sa naparoroon.

Ikatlong Boses
At sa aking pangarap nagbubunga ang lahat!
Ang aking pangarap ang siyang dapat
Pagtuunan ng pansin at pagbigyan
Upang makaabot sa kinabukasan...

Ang Huling Boses
Teka! Mga kaibigan, saan kayo darako
Sa ganitong alitan at pakikipag-away?
Hindi ninyo ba napapansin
Ang iyong pangarap ang siyang salamin
Ng iyong sarili at hinahangad?
Kung ganyan ang iyong pinahahalagahan
Walang makapagsasabi na kayo'y mali
At panaginip iyan lamang.
Tingnan ninyo ang iyong ninanais,
Mga tama't mali, mga luha at tamis.
Pangarap iyan, mga kaibigan, suriin...
Higit ang pagmanas sa unang tingin...
Kayo'y gumising na!

Desiderata Redux

Max Ehrmann wrote "Desiderata" or "Things to be Desired" in 1927. It has been attributed to an older time, and to other authors, but this piece stands the test of time. It offers the most practical wisdom anyone can ever expect.

When my father was approaching the nadir of his life (though we never realized it), he took an active interest in Desiderata and decided to make a Filipino translation. His treatment was more New Age, in keeping with the fads of the time (the drama of "Seth Speaks" comes to mind). My father's interpretation notwithstanding, I also decided to translate it myself.

It's been a while, and my Filipino has gotten really rusty, so my translation may seem uneven and in places may be outright wrong.

In whatever form, this piece has been an inspiration to me. The things to be desired are so practical some people don't even know they are there.

D E S I D E R A T A

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love,for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

And now, for the Filipino version:

Humayo ka nang matiwasay sa gitna ng ingay at pagmamadali, at alalahanin mong may kapayapaan pang mahahanap sa pananahimik.

Hanggang sa iyong makakayang walang pagsusuko sikapin mong maging mabuti ang pakikitungo mo sa lahat ng tao. Bigkasin mo ang katotohanan mo nang banayad at tahasan, at makinig ka sa iba, kahit na sa mga tanga man o mangmang; mayroon din silang maibabahagi. Iwasan mo ang mga taong maiingay at tampalasan, nakaliligalig lamang sila ng kaluluwa.

Kung ihahambing mo ang sarili mo sa iba maaaring maging palalo at mapaghinanakit ka, sapagkat sadyang may lalamang sa iyo at mayroon kang lalamangan.

Tamasahin mo ang iyong tagumpay at balakin. Bigyan mo ng kaukulang pansin ang iyong gawain, kulang man ng halaga ito sa iba; ito’y tunay na kayamanan sa pabagu-bagong kapalaran ng panahon.Mag-ingat ka sa iyong paghahanapbuhay, sapagkat puno ng paglilinlang ang mundo. Ngunit huwag ka sanang mabulag nito sa anumang kabutihang taglay; kay raming nagpupunyagi para sa dakilang mithiin, at kahit saan matatagpuan mo ang kabayanihan.

Magpakatotoo ka sa sarili mo. Higit sa lahat, huwag kang magkunwa ng pagsinta, at huwag mo ring kutyain ang pagmamahal, sapagkat sa harap ng kawalan at pagkabigo, ito’y palaging sumisibol tulad ng damo.

Magiliw mong tanggapin ang ipinapayo ng nagdaraang taon, at malugod mong iwanan ang mga bagay ng iyong kabataan. Bigyang mo ng kalinga ang lakas ng loob bilang panangga sa biglang balikwas ng kapalaran. Ngunit huwag mong gambalain ang iyong sarili ng masamang guniguni. Maraming pangamba ay bunga ng pagod at kalungkutan. Maliban na lamang sa disiplinang nakabubuti, maging banayad ka sa sarili mo.

Ika’y anak ng sanlibutan tulad din ng mga puno at mga tala; may karapatan ka mabuhay rito. At maliwanag man o hindi para sa iyo, tiyak na karapat-dapat ang pag-usbong ng sanlibutan.

Samakatuwid, makipagtuos ka na sa Diyos anuman ang pag-aakala mo sa kanya. At kahit anuman ang iyong larangan at hangarin, sa maingay na kaguluhan ng buhay, panatilihin mo ang kapayapaan sa kaluluwa mo. Datapuwat may kasinungalian, aliwaswas, at nawasak na pangarap, maganda pa rin ang daigdig na ito.

Magpakagalak ka. Sikapin mong maging maligaya.

Voices Amid the Diaspora

Today's link has to be more news:

http://news.inq7.net/breaking/index.php?index=1&story_id=42304

Three things stand out in this news flash:

1) Acting Labor Secretary Danilo Cruz says: "We are confident that our goal to deploy a million OFWs globally continues on a firm and stable track." Official government policy has made trafficking of Filipino workers a priority. What Cruz does not say is that the unemployment rate has not seen single digits in a long, long time. There are not enough new jobs created. And we're not even talking about underemployment.

2) The Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas earlier reported that OFW remittances rose by 17.22 percent from January to April 2005 to $3.072 billion from $2.621 billion in the same period last year. Consider that the Philippines has the third-largest migrant worker count (after China and India) and has the third-largest remittance volume (after Mexico and India), so it's safe to say, per capita, the Philippines is the country most dependent on foreign remittances and foreign-based workers. While this is not entirely a bad thing, the dearth of government initiatives for overseas workers outside of OWWA is appalling. Assuming OWWA is doing its job, which many well nigh have a right to complain about.

3) Labor Secretary Patricia Sto. Tomas said the Philippines continues to supply 20 to 25 percent of the world's maritime workers. This is an amazing statistic, and it's so sad that we don't have a strong merchant marine, since most vessels are registered elsewhere.

OFWs should keep demanding more than just a vote. With the money we send, we deserve more representation. Any effort to tax us should be enough for us to say "No Taxation Without Representation."

At the same time, it's time to put an end to self-appointed protectors among the Left who pretend that they speak for us. My message to these guys: Poverty and exploitation are everywhere, you fools! What all OFWs desire is a chance to come back --- don't make it any harder for us to come back by railing against the government. Look for solutions, not propaganda points. We already have a financially and morally bankrupt government, so don't pretend you know any more than what we already know.

Amid this diaspora, I'm certain there are voices that represent a dynamism that Filipinos back home have not demonstrated in a long time. The leadership that the country needs is already among us - and the experiences we have picked up outside the country should be put to more use than complaining and whining, "Mabuti pa sa ________ (fill country name), mayroong...."

I'll tell you what's missing. In most countries Filipinos have a respect for the law and abide by rules and regulations. And manage to succeed despite, rather, because of this adherence. That's because we work harder - we can't rely on connections alone in order to perform.

Voices amid the diaspora should raise theirs to send this message to the people back home.

Namaste

In Living, Loving, and Learning, Leo Buscaglia writes:

“In India, every time you meet or say goodbye to somebody you put your hands in front of you and say ‘Namaste.’ That means, ‘I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides. I honor the place in you where, if you are at the place in you, and I am at the place in me, there is only one of us.’”

I always felt the foregoing passage to mean:

“I value you for your goodness, and because of you, my life has become more valuable.”
"That you exist makes my existence worthwhile and special."

Jack Nicholson mouths Mike Nichols' words in "As Good as it Gets": "You make me want to be a better man." Sounds good too, if not more poetic and romantic.

Namaste.

Still Crazy, Still Young

I hate seeing myself on video. I'm starting to look like Frank Drilon, and given the way Frank Drilon looks like and who he is supporting right now, that's not good.

I saw a video of myself yesterday following the Induction of the Officers of the Society of Performing Arts last Thursday afternoon. As usual, yours truly started out a reluctant volunteer and then gave it the good old try, which ended in my being elected as Secretary of the organization this year… seeing myself as the emcee is really troubling, and the evidence was clearly shown on tape… holy crap! They say TV adds about 10 pounds on you. Either that camera must be really bad or I must be packing an additional 20 pounds!

I can't say I'm not happy with the situation. Every day I'm falling more and more in love with these children. It's just hard not to, and some people may say it's only because I don't have the burden of having them everyday. But that's just the point. I get to love them more because I don't have any of my own.

Mostly I like having them as friends. I'm never been much of a grown-up anyway ("still crazy after all these years," I would proudly say). There's something to be said listening to a fresh point of view, because for a child, everything is so alive because everything is just happening for the first time.

My buddy Des is asking me is it bad to want to re-connect with the past...and I think he hit it right on the nail. I would wager that he doesn't miss the feelings, which he could get from his wonderful relationship with wife and baby girl, but perhaps he misses the novelty. And of course the people that went with the experience.

It's so much more apt for me to seek "a woman and child of my own, just for me, just be free." The feeling sometimes swells in my heart I fear that I will burst.

(Edit: While we still have time, we have the chance to find it all. But first I have to look at this as opportunity rather than threat. At least I would sound more positive. Where are the wisecracks when I need them?)

Steve Jobs - "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."

I think this is worthwhile sharing. Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple and its present chairman, gave this speech at the commencement of Stanford University, 12 June 2005.

Steve Jobs's Stanford University Commencement Speech

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on.

Let me give you one example: Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it's likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky – I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parent's garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him.

So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating. I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley.

But something slowly began to dawn on me – I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over. I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life. During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the world's first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle.

As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 inthe morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I 'm fine now. This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades.

Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept: No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.

Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

And So It Goes

"And so it goes...and so it goes.... and you're the only one who knows."

The burden of the passage of time becomes more and more difficult to bear observing the events of the Philippines.

Circa 1998, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo received a mandate from the people to be Vice President of the Philippines. The President, Joseph Estrada, is from the political opposition but receives the largest-ever mandate in Philippine presidential election history. Such is the fortune of the darlings of the masa.

I can never blame the masa, but I can always blame those who practice such form of populist politics. Have we really run out of leaders to elect, or merely field candidates and use them as lame ducks?

True enough, while Erap assembled a great team from all areas of the ideological spectrum, he did it with a panache that many people hoped would mean genuine reform. But alas, but before the echoes of his proclamation speech have dissipated, Erap literally shot himself in the foot - too many mistresses, too many midnight meetings, too many drinking sprees, and worst of all, the worst kind of friends. Not the evil ones, just the stupid ones.

No one had reined Estrada in, and his dissipation played into the hands of his enemies. While I never liked Erap, I pitied the way he was massacred by his erstwhile friends and allies. The snobs among the power-brokers must have been smiling from ear to ear during the sordid affair of Juetengate.

Here comes Gloria, self-anointed savior and goaded on by members of civil society to make a difference. Only... despite her record as a legislator, Gloria never exhibited the kind of political independence to break away from the mold.

Many people celebrated the ouster of Erap, but those agitators who said "Resign All" must, in some way, prophesied the impasse where the Filipinos find themselves now.

Dare we celebrate being vindicated in our belief, or wouldn't we have wanted Gloria to have done something different. Her thrashing of her Rizal Day 2002 speech of not running again should have unmanned a lot of people. I was, and vowed not to support her, for any reason.

THE ADMINISTRATION FEARED THE COMING OF FPJ. Again, both sides knew it was a numbers game, and the Filipino people merrily played along. So now, you have an unpopular and perhaps bogus President, and a populist tool as Vice President.

The stars smiled at Noli de Castro when he ran for Vice President. Of course, those stars have aligned to muddle up the situation.

Everyone wants proof somewhere that the President cheated. Yes, bring it on. Whatever happens, the institution of the President's office, Congress, Comelec, and even the notion of voting have been savaged.

And so it goes, and so it goes, and no one really knows. Will cynicism triumph? Maybe.

I just hope they pack it in before Christmas.

Coming To A Head

Adapted.

The ongoing political crisis is a big wet blanket. Certainly we need no more goads to deepen our cynicism over Philippine government and institutions.

Here come the radical NGOs like Migrante and spokesperson Maita Santiago saying that OFWs should stop remitting back to the Philippines or not to use banking channels at all.

As to the intelligence of such a suggestion, well, I'd like to demur comment. This is of course, a real no-brainer --- and my answer to Maita and her ilk: Go get a job! Better yet, go get a life!

If mainstream OFWs had a more comprehensive menu on which to base their choices, leaving the Philippines wouldhardly be palatable. As it is, it is hardly a great choice either right now, even with the Philippines in turmoil. A Maita Santiago would keep her mouth shut if this is just the kind ofuninformed, sweeping generalization she is prepared (or ill-prepared)to make. I'm glad I don't have to follow that kind of tune.

However, I feel that ordinary Filipinos still have their say. Notwithstanding the lightheartedness of poking fun with the "Garci" tapes, folks back home must really figure out what to do or these self-appointed protectors will have a field day. It would be nice to have the silent majority come up with something.

Finding Intimacy

My biggest wish these days is that I could take my own advice. The future is not so bleak and and undefined as it once was, only the certainty that life will end someday is much more palpable. I no longer fear that I have no place in this world. I just fear that I will leave nothing behind. A textbook case for Erik Erikson on Generativity/Stagnation, I would surmise. Though maybe I should look into Intimacy/Isolation.

I am somewhat resigned that it is not my fate to rise to rapturous heights of romance - I hate to be a real party pooper, but such rapture is often an illusion or fleeting moments at best. It's not that I fear intimacy - but the pathways in my life, the things I have chosen to do, have kept me from being intimate with just that ONE PERSON with whom I can share the rest of my life. It's funny that it isn't as hard as it seems, but I have a suspicion my simple open-hearted ways lead some to suspect I have murky hidden agenda. WYSIWYG, and perhaps a surprise or two, with my package.

Twenty years ago I had lofty dreams to be a difference-maker. What I didn't know at that time was what it would cost to be that kind of person. I think it was Voltaire who said that the sum of the human condition will be largely unchanged even by historic events - there will always be the poor and deprived, and misery will be the lot of many people regardless of what we do to change that. I'd like to believe differently, but I can only do so much. Maybe I won't even be a footnote to history, but I'd like my life to have been instrumental in making others' lives happier.

It's tough when no one is there to listen. It's tough without someone who will lean upon me, whom I will hold around my arms and keep safe through the tough times, someone whose acceptance will make me more courageous in facing each day.

Until then, I live each day and give as much as I can, and even when my heart is shredded by the vicissitudes of life, so it must be. I won't make deals with my Maker, but I surely hope this will be enough for Him.

Soldiering On

Why does everything I see remind me of her?
Why do the sounds of life go by?
When my heart still shakes 'cause it's unsure
Why am I afraid to say goodbye?

Happiness is always a gamble
Loneliness forces you to soldier on
Never knowing the onset of desperation
Waking up when dreams are dead and gone.

Love is heavily overrated
Romance in a pill is more oh-so-convenient
Drowning yourself in alcoholic bliss
Sex with strangers is much more expedient.

Cynics really lie to themselves
Wearing a wolf’s clothing to hide a sheep’s heart
Masking a spirit that’s been hurt and broken
Not wanting to be alone, but still keeping apart.

So why despair of my memories of her?
I caress the keys dreaming of our first kiss
Holding on to my shell of inscrutability
When she doesn’t know that I exist.

Bumping Into Michelle Krusiec

I bumped into Michelle Krusiec while reading my daily online edition of the New York Times (registration required, though):
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/29/movies/29leib.html

While the movie itself does make some kind of statement for Asian-American filmmakers on the one hand, and a different love angle through the experience of lesbians (oh boy, I said it, I'm going to get a few webhits for this one), I was more intrigued because one of the lead actresses was a name I haven't heard for quite some time - that of Michelle's.

My buddy Des and I thought of a travel magazine during our down-and-out following our aborted careers as educators (the memories those times bring up ---!) and one of our inspirations was "Travelers" which aired from 1996-98 on the Discovery Channel. Michelle was my favorite regular on the show, though up until now her obvious Asian ancestry does not explain her last name, and until I read her short bio I had to assume her father was American.

I would have caught her earlier had I been a fan of "The Mind of the Married Man" on HBO (where she appeared as topless Japanese masseuse "Sachiko" - dang, now I have to find DVD copies of the show!)

I just liked the memory seeing Michelle's face and the associations it had with some part of my life - aside from the fact that I have always been partial to Chinese girls. Anyhow, one other thing that grips me is that there is so much talent out there in the Philippines that could use a break. Whether or not the current trend of reality-shows/talent searches would help in generating more talent, I really don't know. All I know is too much of a good thing (as matters stand right now) turns out bad in the end.

Anyway, back to Michelle, here is her website:

http://www.michellekrusiec.com/

For more on the movie:

http://www.sonyclassics.com/savingface/

And, for those who don't want to waddle through the NY Times, I'm posting the article ---

May 29, 2005
Kissing Vivian ShingBy ED LEIBOWITZ
THE story behind Alice Wu's "Saving Face" - which is squeezing into theaters between commercial giants "Madagascar" and "The Longest Yard" this weekend - is almost as improbable as the film's plot. The first movie wholly about Chinese-Americans bankrolled by Hollywood since Disney released "The Joy Luck Club" in 1993, it is a romantic comedy about three generations of an immigrant family: a deeply traditional grandfather, his middle-aged daughter (widowed and mysteriously pregnant) and his lesbian doctor granddaughter, who happens to fall in love with a ballerina.
Even one of its producers, the superstar Will Smith, calls the movie "perfectly bizarre" in its twists, on-screen and off. Indeed, "Saving Face" owes its existence to the vagaries of business planning at Microsoft, to new assertiveness in the Chinese-American film world, and to a helicopter soaring above Manhattan for the $70 million Sony Pictures blockbuster "Hitch." More, it was born from Ms. Wu's unlikely success in refusing to make unwelcome concessions when she was asked for them by seasoned film executives.
In 1998, Ms. Wu, having earned her Ph.D. in computer science at Stanford University, was the program manager at Cinemania and Music Central, Microsoft's CD-ROM entertainment offerings. Unfulfilled, though, was her long-held desire to become a writer - an option that she believed was closed to her as the daughter of Taiwanese immigrants, who spoke only Mandarin until she entered the California public school system. "I certainly grew up knowing I was going to take care of my parents," Ms. Wu said in a recent interview. "And English majors generally don't make enough money to pay off their loans and take care of her parents."
At the time, Microsoft was betraying uncharacteristic indecision about how to retool its information services for the fast-emerging Internet. Suddenly, Ms. Wu's division didn't have much to do, and she began writing a novel inspired by her experience of coming out as a lesbian, along with her mother's difficulties in middle age. "You have to sit there for nine hours," Ms. Wu said, "so at least I always looked busy typing."
In the culture she was exploring, Ms. Wu found that many of her characters would say things they didn't mean. The chasm between their words and conflicting facial expressions, she thought, might come across better in a movie.
That insight led to a 12-week screenwriting class at the University of Seattle and a draft of "Saving Face" - which was hashed out in three nights after epic procrastination. Amazingly, she said, her instructor liked it. But he told Ms. Wu she could protect the integrity of the script only by directing it herself.
Defying colossal odds, she quit Microsoft and set out to do exactly that, giving herself five years to succeed. Moving to Brooklyn, Ms. Wu enrolled in a course taught by Alan Oxman, editor of Todd Solondz's "Happiness" and "Welcome to the Dollhouse." She was in the first graduating class of what would become Mr. Oxman's Chelsea-based Edit Center. There, she learned what she calls "guerrilla filmmaking," but, for almost three years of her allotted five, left "Saving Face" untouched.
That changed in 2002, when, on a tip from her screenwriting teacher, she entered the script in a contest sponsored by a Hollywood advocacy and networking group called the Coalition of Asian Pacifics in Entertainment. And won.
"They had me meet with a lot of people in Hollywood, mostly Asian-American studio executives, which I hadn't honestly known existed," Ms. Wu said. She also hadn't anticipated just how often she would be asked to consider changes that struck at the very heart of the script everyone seemed to like so much: Couldn't Ms. Wu make her characters white, so maybe the young doctor could be played by, say, Reese Witherspoon, and Ellen Burstyn could be cast as her mother? How about making the love affair heterosexual? Did she have to direct as well as write it? It was advice Ms. Wu declined to take.
On a later trip back to Los Angeles, Ms. Wu met Teddy Zee, who, until last month, was the president of Overbrook Entertainment, Mr. Smith's production company. Before joining Overbrook, Mr. Zee had served as a longtime executive at Sony Pictures. He'd grown up in cultural isolation in the Catskills - his Shanghai-born father was a salad chef at Grossinger's; his mother had traditionally bound feet and didn't speak English - and he seized upon movies as his escape. And, after a career spent on studio films, he found Ms. Wu's story striking at his roots.
"I didn't pick this script; this script picked me," Mr. Zee said. "You don't set up to do something crazy like this." " 'Saving Face,' " Mr. Zee explained, was "an awakening for me about the Asian-American experience in Hollywood, because I was always such a part of the studio system. Every day there are actors coming in who are Chinese-American, who don't get an opportunity except to play prostitutes or waiters."
The aspiring filmmaker's obstinacy only reinforced his commitment to her. "Alice comes off as very accommodating," Mr. Zee said. "But when it comes to her vision, she's a killer."
For Mr. Smith, the great appeal in "Saving Face" was its unpredictability. "You just never heard a story like that one before," Mr. Smith said, "and it's half in Mandarin Chinese. I was completely out of my wheelhouse." Mr. Smith and James Lassiter, his longtime manager and partner at Overbrook, committed to produce with Mr. Zee, if the financing could be found.
In November 2002, Mr. Zee had lunch with Ben Feingold, president of Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, who told him that he could greenlight certain genre movies at the right price. Even in the event those films never made it into theaters, his division had the wherewithal to market them directly to video.
Mr. Zee urged Ms. Wu to fly out a few days later for a dinner held by his Hollywood advocacy group. She went, despite her skepticism that anything would come of it. At the dinner, though, Mr. Zee buttonholed two of Mr. Feingold's executives - Fritz Friedman, his Filipino-American senior vice president of publicity and a co-founder of the group, and Lexine Wong, the division's Chinese- and Japanese-American executive vice president for worldwide marketing. "I introduced Alice to them, and I said: 'You know what, guys? Your boss says he can greenlight movies, and this is one of the best scripts I've ever read,' " Mr. Zee remembered saying. " 'You guys should champion this - the three of us should do this just based on the fact that we're Asian.' "
The next Monday, Mr. Feingold approved the project at a modest budget of $2.5 million. But the film's language barrier remained an issue at Overbrook. "Certainly, my producers said, 'Do they have to speak Mandarin?' " Ms. Wu recalled, "and I was just like, 'These things are nonnegotiable, and this is why.' " Mr. Zee had no better luck when he suggested she consider changing her ballerina's ethnicity. "He really thought the love interest should be white so that we could cast a star," Ms. Wu said. "I said, 'No.' The moment you make the love interest white, it becomes about race."
So instead of a Scarlett Johansson, Ms. Wu cast a retired ballerina and aspiring actress, Lynn Chen, in the pivotal role of Vivian Shing. Playing opposite her as the medical student is Michelle Krusiec, who had supporting parts in "Dumb and Dumberer" and "Daddy Day Care." Mr. Zee also advised Ms. Wu to cut out what he first regarded as a false ending to the film, but, predictably, she demurred.
Ms. Wu sees nothing strange in her disregard of virtually every story change suggested by her producers. "It's not like I'm out there hiring script consultants," Ms. Wu said. "I'm hiring producers. I need them to find financing. They did, you know, and then they were really supportive."
Filming began in fall 2003, with a Buddhist prayer ceremony and burning incense. Despite her enormous confidence in her story, Ms. Wu delivered a warning. "I said to my producers: 'God, I need to tell you that I might be terrible at this. I know I really love the writing, but I've never done a feature.' "
Many of the scenes would be shot in Brooklyn and the Chinese-American enclave of Flushing, Queens. Not long into production, Ms. Wu realized that the date was Oct. 10, and that, while the film had a few more weeks to more to shoot, she had made good on her five-year plan.
Ms. Wu's film entered a slow postproduction as Overbrook geared up for "Hitch," the comedy featuring Mr. Smith and the "King of Queens" star Kevin James, a bit of synchronicity that solved yet another problem for "Saving Face."
Ms. Wu had about exhausted what money was available to her, but she still insisted that her picture have exterior scenes to situate her story in the larger landscape of New York City. "Alice had always been adamant that we needed to have some second-unit shots," Mr. Zee said, "and I was never a supporter of doing more shooting until absolutely the movie was locked in."
As it happened, when a helicopter lifted off above Manhattan to film aerial shots for "Hitch," Mr. Zee arranged to have a "Saving Face" shadow unit pile into the cabin for a sharply reduced fee. While the "Hitch" crew captured city views of Madison Square Garden, Ms. Wu was getting the sequence that established her entire film - her heroine's D train making its way over the Manhattan Bridge, with the camera veering up to capture the New York skyline for the credits.
"Saving Face" was an official selection at the most recent Sundance and Toronto film festivals. In Toronto, Ms. Wu learned that Sony Pictures Classics would handle its distribution.
Pleased as he is to see the picture finally in theaters, Mr. Zee admits to a certain wistfulness now that the filmmaking family around Ms. Wu is about to break up. "We go to the various festivals and screenings, we all get together and we have reunions," Mr. Zee said. "So it's sad to see the movie actually come out because it means it's going to be the end of our run together."

Hoping for the Country

I guess I will gather some links while I have time to read:

http://news.inq7.net/opinion/index.php?index=2&story_id=37760&col=60

A nice piece by Randy David (eminently quotable, for all that I disagree with some of his politics). One thing this generation of young Filipino professionals has always heard is to prepare the next generation. One can count the spin on songs of "The Greatest Love of All" and poems like Rizal's "To the Filipino Youth."

Last time I checked the lines are still blaring this refrain. Ironically the generation that was being referred to when we first heard that catchphrase was us. Now, when we listen to it, some may ask: where is our youth going to? Where, indeed, as we who were once younger?

In a world where we are striving for economic balance in our lives and for many of us who are coping with the challenges of raising families, quo vadis the agenda for making the Philippines better?

What agenda do we hold when we head our own companies, as invariably some of us do right now, or begin making names for ourselves in the corridors of power? What would be tragic is that, as we were growing up and finding the state of affairs wanting, find that when we reach our own personal aspirations, we have turned into the very things we were dissatisfied with.

Just a few things to think about... I don't mean to be one of those Cassandras but once in a while (when I'm sober, as I am right now), some things cause one to think.

It's nice to have a future to fight for. But all fights must be fought in the present for them to be worthwhile.

What Purpose Female Orgasm?

An interesting link, which no doubt will disappear in a few weeks so I'll post it in full later:

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/17/science/17orga.html?incamp=article_popular_5&pagewanted=all

I'd like to believe what Desmond Morris said about orgasms: they are a psychological response to support the development of the pair-bond among humans. A solid pair-bond would mean a man wouldn't have to worry about his chosen mate going to another man who is bigger and stronger. So, in the course of the hunt, he needn't feel insecure that the stronger and better hunter would not only get the spoils of the hunt, but also the spoils of sex.

(Come to think of it, times haven't changed in that respect.)

In a really intimate pair-bond, a man and a woman understand each other's needs and sex is not only a necessity but also very pleasurable. My thinking, an orgasm is Nature's way of saying to a woman that sex is good despite the fact that briniging a child to term in those evolutionary days was dangerous. Or that seeking multiple partners would destroy the cohesion of the tribe.

One train of thought leads me to posit that when agricultural societies started, "the thrill of the hunt" still became a regular way to add notches to masculinity but was no longer essential to security, and thus a different track - that of polygamy - started. It didn't help, I would think, that agricultural societies would demand territory for farming - and the wars that were part of such societies would decimate the male population.

So polygamy now becomes socially acceptable - it is no surprise that the nomadic society of the Hebrews found the sexual mores of the tribes inhabiting Canaan scandalous.

I believe the obsession with orgasm exists primarily because it is so rare - and that males are using this way to keep score "who is better in the sack," and at the same time keep women chained to subservience by telling them they're inadequate if they do not derive pleasure from the physical act of sex. How typical. There are, certainly, other factors involved in sex than the techniques or choreography.

What would be interesting to see is if men lose the drive for sex if an orgasm is not involved. Hmm...

*******

May 17, 2005
A Critic Takes On the Logic of Female Orgasm
By DINITIA SMITH
Evolutionary scientists have never had difficulty explaining the male orgasm, closely tied as it is to reproduction.
But the Darwinian logic behind the female orgasm has remained elusive. Women can have sexual intercourse and even become pregnant - doing their part for the perpetuation of the species - without experiencing orgasm. So what is its evolutionary purpose?
Over the last four decades, scientists have come up with a variety of theories, arguing, for example, that orgasm encourages women to have sex and, therefore, reproduce or that it leads women to favor stronger and healthier men, maximizing their offspring's chances of survival.
But in a new book, Dr. Elisabeth A. Lloyd, a philosopher of science and professor of biology at Indiana University, takes on 20 leading theories and finds them wanting. The female orgasm, she argues in the book, "The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution," has no evolutionary function at all.
Rather, Dr. Lloyd says the most convincing theory is one put forward in 1979 by Dr. Donald Symons, an anthropologist.
That theory holds that female orgasms are simply artifacts - a byproduct of the parallel development of male and female embryos in the first eight or nine weeks of life.
In that early period, the nerve and tissue pathways are laid down for various reflexes, including the orgasm, Dr. Lloyd said. As development progresses, male hormones saturate the embryo, and sexuality is defined.
In boys, the penis develops, along with the potential to have orgasms and ejaculate, while "females get the nerve pathways for orgasm by initially having the same body plan."
Nipples in men are similarly vestigial, Dr. Lloyd pointed out.
While nipples in woman serve a purpose, male nipples appear to be simply left over from the initial stage of embryonic development.
The female orgasm, she said, "is for fun."
Dr. Lloyd said scientists had insisted on finding an evolutionary function for female orgasm in humans either because they were invested in believing that women's sexuality must exactly parallel that of men or because they were convinced that all traits had to be "adaptations," that is, serve an evolutionary function.
Theories of female orgasm are significant, she added, because "men's expectations about women's normal sexuality, about how women should perform, are built around these notions."
"And men are the ones who reflect back immediately to the woman whether or not she is adequate sexually," Dr. Lloyd continued.
Central to her thesis is the fact that women do not routinely have orgasms during sexual intercourse.
She analyzed 32 studies, conducted over 74 years, of the frequency of female orgasm during intercourse.
When intercourse was "unassisted," that is not accompanied by stimulation of the clitoris, just a quarter of the women studied experienced orgasms often or very often during intercourse, she found.
Five to 10 percent never had orgasms. Yet many of the women became pregnant.
Dr. Lloyd's figures are lower than those of Dr. Alfred A. Kinsey, who in his 1953 book "Sexual Behavior in the Human Female" found that 39 to 47 percent of women reported that they always, or almost always, had orgasm during intercourse.
But Kinsey, Dr. Lloyd said, included orgasms assisted by clitoral stimulation.
Dr. Lloyd said there was no doubt in her mind that the clitoris was an evolutionary adaptation, selected to create excitement, leading to sexual intercourse and then reproduction.
But, "without a link to fertility or reproduction," Dr. Lloyd said, "orgasm cannot be an adaptation."
Not everyone agrees. For example, Dr. John Alcock, a professor of biology at Arizona State University, criticized an earlier version of Dr. Lloyd's thesis, discussed in in a 1987 article by Stephen Jay Gould in the magazine Natural History.
In a phone interview, Dr. Alcock said that he had not read her new book, but that he still maintained the hypothesis that the fact that "orgasm doesn't occur every time a woman has intercourse is not evidence that it's not adaptive."
"I'm flabbergasted by the notion that orgasm has to happen every time to be adaptive," he added.
Dr. Alcock theorized that a woman might use orgasm "as an unconscious way to evaluate the quality of the male," his genetic fitness and, thus, how suitable he would be as a father for her offspring.
"Under those circumstances, you wouldn't expect her to have it every time," Dr. Alcock said.
Among the theories that Dr. Lloyd addresses in her book is one proposed in 1993, by Dr. R. Robin Baker and Dr. Mark A. Bellis, at Manchester University in England. In two papers published in the journal Animal Behaviour, they argued that female orgasm was a way of manipulating the retention of sperm by creating suction in the uterus. When a woman has an orgasm from one minute before the man ejaculates to 45 minutes after, she retains more sperm, they said.
Furthermore, they asserted, when a woman has intercourse with a man other than her regular sexual partner, she is more likely to have an orgasm in that prime time span and thus retain more sperm, presumably making conception more likely. They postulated that women seek other partners in an effort to obtain better genes for their offspring.
Dr. Lloyd said the Baker-Bellis argument was "fatally flawed because their sample size is too small."
"In one table," she said, "73 percent of the data is based on the experience of one person."
In an e-mail message recently, Dr. Baker wrote that his and Dr. Bellis's manuscript had "received intense peer review appraisal" before publication. Statisticians were among the reviewers, he said, and they noted that some sample sizes were small, "but considered that none of these were fatal to our paper."
Dr. Lloyd said that studies called into question the logic of such theories. Research by Dr. Ludwig Wildt and his colleagues at the University of Erlangen-Nuremberg in Germany in 1998, for example, found that in a healthy woman the uterus undergoes peristaltic contractions throughout the day in the absence of sexual intercourse or orgasm. This casts doubt, Dr. Lloyd argues, on the idea that the contractions of orgasm somehow affect sperm retention.
Another hypothesis, proposed in 1995 by Dr. Randy Thornhill, a professor of biology at the University of New Mexico and two colleagues, held that women were more likely to have orgasms during intercourse with men with symmetrical physical features. On the basis of earlier studies of physical attraction, Dr. Thornhill argued that symmetry might be an indicator of genetic fitness.
Dr. Lloyd, however, said those conclusions were not viable because "they only cover a minority of women, 45 percent, who say they sometimes do, and sometimes don't, have orgasm during intercourse."
"It excludes women on either end of the spectrum," she said. "The 25 percent who say they almost always have orgasm in intercourse and the 30 percent who say they rarely or never do. And that last 30 percent includes the 10 percent who say they never have orgasm under any circumstances."
In a phone interview, Dr. Thornhill said that he had not read Dr. Lloyd's book but the fact that not all women have orgasms during intercourse supports his theory.
"There will be patterns in orgasm with preferred and not preferred men," he said.
Dr. Lloyd also criticized work by Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, an emeritus professor of anthropology at the University of California, Davis, who studies primate behavior and female reproductive strategies.
Scientists have documented that orgasm occurs in some female primates; for other mammals, whether orgasm occurs remains an open question.
In the 1981 book "The Woman That Never Evolved" and in her other work, Dr. Hrdy argues that orgasm evolved in nonhuman primates as a way for the female to protect her offspring from the depredation of males.
She points out that langur monkeys have a high infant mortality rate, with 30 percent of deaths a result of babies' being killed by males who are not the fathers. Male langurs, she says, will not kill the babies of females they have mated with.
In macaques and chimpanzees, she said, females are conditioned by the pleasurable sensations of clitoral stimulation to keep copulating with multiple partners until they have an orgasm. Thus, males do not know which infants are theirs and which are not and do not attack them.
Dr. Hrdy also argues against the idea that female orgasm is an artifact of the early parallel development of male and female embryos.
"I'm convinced," she said, "that the selection of the clitoris is quite separate from that of the penis in males."
In critiquing Dr. Hrdy's view, Dr. Lloyd disputes the idea that longer periods of sexual intercourse lead to a higher incidence of orgasm, something that if it is true, may provide an evolutionary rationale for female orgasm.
But Dr. Hrdy said her work did not speak one way or another to the issue of female orgasm in humans. "My hypothesis is silent," she said.
One possibility, Dr. Hrdy said, is that orgasm in women may have been an adaptive trait in our prehuman ancestors.
"But we separated from our common primate ancestors about seven million years ago," she said.
"Perhaps the reason orgasm is so erratic is that it's phasing out," Dr. Hrdy said. "Our descendants on the starships may well wonder what all the fuss was about."
Western culture is suffused with images of women's sexuality, of women in the throes of orgasm during intercourse and seeming to reach heights of pleasure that are rare, if not impossible, for most women in everyday life.
"Accounts of our evolutionary past tell us how the various parts of our body should function," Dr. Lloyd said.
If women, she said, are told that it is "natural" to have orgasms every time they have intercourse and that orgasms will help make them pregnant, then they feel inadequate or inferior or abnormal when they do not achieve it.
"Getting the evolutionary story straight has potentially very large social and personal consequences for all women," Dr. Lloyd said. "And indirectly for men, as well."

Bittersweet

I was in love before
And then, the hurting began.
I have not loved since.

Life continues so.
Whatever form it must be
But not enough for me.

Hating has its charms
A feeling so bittersweet
A grudge to hold on.

Lying is so simple
It’s telling the truth that’s hard
Caught in a web of one’s lies

Despair often mounts
Dramas are so easily loved
With boredom for life.

Play music of choice!
Feast your senses on excess:
Better than empty.

When the bill does come
No worries for tomorrow
There's always escape.

Freedom’s just a word
A state to want but not reached
A trick of the mind

Prison is still fun
Inmates all for your choosing
When you’re the warden.

Never surrender
Don't give up the lie you've built
Truth is agony.

A Case for Flat Taxation

You work eight hours a day, five days a week, sometimes six, and sometimes you put in overtime, paid or unpaid. You are in a two-income family struggling to make ends meet: paying the rent or the amortization on your home; worrying about the college education of your kids; buying the necessities for food and clothing.

Your government taxes you a portion of your salary and in addition, taxes you for everything that you consume; taxes you for every transaction that you make, from birth 'til death.

Your government is duty-bound to protect your life and property and in exchange, taxes you to perform this duty.

However, there is a catch: do you really trust that government is doing its job? Who takes responsibility for you and your children when you are in trouble? Do you feel safe with the police force that your taxes pay for? Will government take care of you when your children get sick?

And finally: do you trust this government will spend your taxes wisely?

The answer, most probably, is NO.

It is now time to take control over what you have responsibly worked for and earned. You pay for your family's needs in education, health, and sometimes, even for security.

Many of us citizens have demonstrated that at many times, we have succeeded DESPITE government.

So why pay more taxes when we don't rely on government to take care of the things we do take care of? Why allow ourselves to be a taxed a third of our income for working harder and making informed decisions on our lives?

We need a simple flat tax of no more than 10% for government services that we cannot handle by ourselves. With a bigger consumption tax being levied, this will give all of us citizens more flexibility in managing our money.

By lowering taxes, Filipinos have more opportunities to spend, save, and even invest in our economy and create jobs.

A simple rate means simplified administration – easier to calculate, easier to collect, and easier to SPOT CHEATING. A simple rate means people have even less incentive to cheat. No exceptions, no loopholes.

A simple rate creates an impetus for government to regulate spending and to become more efficient, and to get out of areas where government involvement is not needed. Simple taxes, in the end, would lead to simpler and more efficient government.

We need a simple FLAT TAX RATE NOW, not in the future.