A long way from my last milepost, so this has to sort of make up for a lot of things I wish I could have said earlier.
In "On Writing," Stephen King's personal memoir of the writing craft, the author professes a distaste for the informal essay --- pieces with topics "What Did I Do Last Summer?" "What Would It Be Like to Have Hitler as a Classmate?" and some other inanities to which people immediately relate. But well, here it is, an informal essay ---
"What if I had decided to write about the lost months of 2008 in my blog?"
March, 2nd half: I finally moved apartments! At the start of the year, I was thinking of improving my physical environment --- I liked my previous flat and even more, I respected my flatmate and leaseholder, but it just wasn't the place for me. I had no public space, and I didn't have enough furniture. In retrospect, maybe I should have invested the money in my old flat and stayed there. But there it was: I needed a change to shake things up.
The new flat is smaller than the old one, though it is in a more strategic area of town and in a somewhat newer building. It costs a little less than the older place, but since there are only two of us sharing the bills, I am paying for a little more.
I had commissioned my own room from the living room space, bought a new bedroom set, a sofa set (without center or side tables though), a dining room set, and for the kitchen - a water heater and a microwave oven. Did I need to spend all this money? Maybe not --- but in the meantime I found the move comforting. I needed to do something for myself again.
April: The less said about this month, the better.
This was one of the worst months of my life. Not so much for me, but I hurt a lot of people and fell below the expectations of others. Because it was all on me. Sure, circumstances and people put me in the hole into which I dropped myself, but in the end, it was all about me.
I'm still healing from this experience. It was one of the reasons I went on vacation earlier than I had planned.
People around me remain a blessing. There is hope for this crazy world yet. And for me too.
May: Vacation time, for the most part.
One of the signs that tell me my life needs another change is that the sameness of my life makes the precious memories of the past seem all the more precious, as if these gems of my life's journey will never be replicated, and that I would be doomed to live this life on this last string.
I don't, couldn't, wouldn't believe this to be true. But I have been dealt this hand - I've gambled some, lost some, still winning for now but wasted so many chances. That's how it is with these things. Even so, all I can do is be the supplicant, down on my knees while my hands are busy grasping at the last flickers of starlight...
But there are no disappointments, no regrets on this vacation. I expected little and got back a lot. I pulled myself together, got myself back into the game. So goes my Year of No Expectations.
So here we are in June and July and I'm back to work, doing again what I do best. I hope I don't get derailed again, but that happens when the engineer needs a healthy shot of Prozac. Or two, maybe.
Just a checklist:
Economic Gains - Fairly good, but not the best.
Personal Growth - Slid back a huge lot, the consequences of which put me in a bind --- there is wisdom somewhere in all this muck, but I have to shovel my way out much harder.
Relationship Front - Still here, hoping. I already had my Big Fix the last few months, but since it ended in a blah-like nada uncertain disappointment, I hope for a little help over here.
Professional Front - The sharp edge has been blunted. Ah, well. It won't be like that forever.
I'm a bit behind in points, but I have stockpiled a lot of assets to make a big splash later in the year, which I should, at least to even the balance.
Mid-year Score: C