By Way of Apology

Before I was inspired
Now I'm sad and tired
After all I've tried for three years
Seems like thirty
Why then am I scared?
What I started -- what you started. . .
I didn't start it

God Thy will is hard
But You hold every card
I will drink your cup of poison
Nail me to your cross and break me
Bleed me
Beat me
Kill me
Take me now before I change my mind . . .

I'm starting this post with a take from one of the key sequences from the musical "Jesus Christ Superstar" which I took some time to view during my vacation in Manila.

Well, I have a lot to say about the vacation I'm having right now --- yes, it has been pretty good so far, as these things go, but I feel sad about how I've been at the job before I left for Manila. I've been sort of a train wreck and I'm certain the level of trust the team has in me will be something I have to work on in the coming months.

I don't think it had anything to do with despair - just the natural wearing-out of some good habits and bad habits catching up. But still. I'm not going to go through the exercise of self-flagellation, and since the worst critic I would have would be me, let's just grant that the allegation is warranted and I have to do better. Does it solve what I put others through? No, definitely not. Of course, if things cannot be fixed there's always room to start over. I do hope so.

I didn't start this whole episode as a professional in the Middle East --- the path the Lord laid out took me there --- so I should take no pride in what I have accomplished, for in truth, I have accomplished little on my own. That's not to say I was just waffling about, but that I owe a lot to what others have made possible. And going forward means taking the necessary steps, accepting more responsibility and having a stronger sense of self-regulation. It is, literally, the cup I must drink from, and if I must bleed and suffer from it (naturally I hope not), then it must be done.

I pray nothing would make me waver from this resolution.

Posts on vacation happenings later --- we haven't got a reliable connection yet and I'm just getting used to the new PC.