High Jinks!

In ex-Yugoslavia, Tito-era nostalgia - International Herald Tribune

Nostalgia for the past --- yeah, and I'm sure the old hardline communists (and those neo-fascists in disguise, as well, ehem) are wishing for the good old days when labels were more convenient and it was easier to draw the lines.

* * * * *

Overheard at a Filipino patient's bedside after he suffers a stroke: Ano ba ang increment ko? (Mentions name of Admin Manager), alam niya kung ano ang increment ko! (BTW, thank God he is alive and declared fit to be repatriated).

* * * * *

Favorite movie quote of the past few days, from "Billy Madison" featuring Adam Sandler:

(After Billy Madison finishes long-winding speech on the Industrial Revolution):

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.

* * * * *

Girl gets thrown off bus for wearing a leash. Yeah, that should give you some headlines.

* * * * *

Movie moment of the week: The Elisha Cuthbert nipple show opposite Christian Slater in the feature film "The Quiet Man." Dumb movie, but still. Yehey!

Ooops!

My last post should have read Day 25.

Coupled with the host of errors we have to deal with in last-minute calculations, I guess I'm not lucky with numbers these days.

Second Milepost

(Edit - January 27: Am reconstructing this from memory as something must have happened to the original post)

It's Day 24 of Year 2008 - and I'm marking this day by working, though I'm taking some time to laze away a few moments updating you what's been happening. I'd like to pat myself on the back for keeping to more than one month of solid work and sleep deprivation to complete the major set of salary adjustments for Company. This is the first of many hurdles that I expect to face this coming year.

Last year has been so up-and-down the peaks and valleys have settled into a bumpy drive. To celebrate that experience, I am dubbing this year the Year of No Expectations.

First, this is in part thanks to all the people who made last year special, and given the way things have turned out, expecting more would be a crime. Second, throughout the almost four years I have spent in Saudi Arabia, I have accomplished the very minimum of my expectations both personally and professionally. That there is still a wide gulf to bridge to get to the maximum goes without saying, but hey, I've gotten to first base. For me to move forward, perhaps I should concentrate less on the result but on how I'm getting there. That's the best way I could repay all the people who have shared me so many kindnesses.

And finally, as memory serves, I put on myself the onus of living my life with a greater sense of purpose, and part of this is to shatter my current set of expectations, and instead put myself in a constant state of BEING, not BECOMING.

(If that last part sounds evasive or Zen to you, well, tough luck!)

It would have been nice to share all of these realizations knowing that there is someone special who inspires me, or more importantly, that there is someone in particular whom I especially inspire. That would happen, or that would not, and given the recent disappointments I have had in this area, knowing that I am capable of feeling THAT FEELING is enough. What happens next is less within my control, so I'll have to let that be.

So for this year I honestly pray that I will be swept away, to be infused with a sense of wonder, and to shine a love that is ever-shining.

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH
(George Harrison / The Beatles)

It's all too much
It's all too much

When I look into your eyes, your love is there for me
And the more I go inside, the more there is to see

It's all too much for me to take
The love that's shining all around you
Everywhere, it's what you make
For us to take, it's all too much

Floating down the stream of time, of life to life with me
Makes no difference where you are or where you'd like to be

It's all too much for me to take
The love that's shining all around here
All the world is birthday cake,
So take a piece but not too much

Sail me on a silver sun, for I know that I'm free
Show me that I'm everywhere, and get me home for tea

It's all to much for me to see
A love that's shining all around here
The more I am, the less I know
And what I do is all too much

It's all too much for me to take
The love that's shining all around you
Everywhere, it's what you make
For us to take, it's all too much

It's too much.....It's too much

With your long blonde hair and your eyes of blue
With your long blonde hair and your eyes of blue

You're too much... too much too much too much ...

Postscript: This piece was composed for the "Magical Mystery Tour" album but it ended up on the soundtrack album of the "Yellow Submarine" movie. George's work is revealing in its simplicity. My original post had an embedded copy from Imeem.com, but it got killed in uploading. Ah, well.

The Usual Sandwich Filler

While the world pauses to mourn the recent deaths of chess genius Bobby Fischer and Australian actor Heath Ledger, I'm trapped in the office still on salary patrol. I would be glad to have this whole episode over.

I did find time to post on one of the e-forums, where one hot topic was de-sizing government. I just had to butt in. Here it is:

We just missed saying happy anniversary on the lifting of Proclamation 1081 just a few days back.

Just my two cents':

1) The original criticism on creation of new congressional districts and provinces is the bureaucracy that comes with them, whereas it is possible to do more with less bureaucracy in government. I tend to agree with this - how much more government service do we need really when its quality at the primary levels ( i.e. barangay) tend to be cosmetic? And let's not get started on the macro level, that's a whole other debate.

2) There is also a valid criticism on the nature of congressional spending, i.e. CDF. Time and again, we should take this discretionary spending power away from congressmen.

3) To take the structure of government further --- what were the original bases for setting up provinces --- geographical, linguistic, economic? I'd put my money on one major point: politics. We can look back to history given the way the Americans organized the territorial government when they came over. There is some good reading that this organization is the first root of our Muslim separatist problem - I don't have the link now, but Manolo Quezon does discuss this on his site.

4) Ah, benchmarks! If it were that simple to quantify the role of government in our lives.
==> I was late today because some woman passed out on the street and the usual gaggle of kibitzers got in the way of paramedics. #$% government!
===> My daughter was walking on the railroad tracks outside our shanty. The train ran her over. #$%!!$^ PNR! the mayor! etc. etc. etc.
===> I need a job. Anyone, please hire me! Someone, give me an allowance!
===> There are a bunch of drunks on the other corner singing on their darned videoke on full blast until the wee hours of the morning. What to do?
===> A shipment of smuggled chicken is being sold at bargain basement prices at our discount center! Screw the bird flu, time to shop!
===> Damn! We sucked at the Southeast Asian Games! Where's the pride here, kabayan?

If we are to look closely at the things that work for us --- private initiative in providing services for those who can afford them, courage and determination to work overseas to make extra dollars, contributions by the sectarians in moving education to a higher level (memo to UP on the celebration of your centennial: in five years, if not less, DLSU will overtake you as the pre-eminent Philippine university in terms of academic reputation, quality of graduates, and infrastructure. Accelerate reform now!), innovation and ingenuity in micro-level enterprises --- is that in an environment where individual effort and contribution, fairness, excellence, and quality are observed, we do well.

Government's role has expanded to that point where it has to intervene in everything. When it does that, it tends to stultify initiative and individualism and thus promotes mendicancy and stagnation. Instead of helping themselves, our people point the finger on others, and mostly on the government. Unfortunately, despite our socialist policy efforts, we cannot aspire to become a welfare state like those in Scandinavia. Given the mad scramble of these states to enlist foreign workers to support their retiring citizens, that system is flawed as well.

Methinks the government's role in most public spheres is to generate consensus to reduce duplication of activities, support innovation, set fair standards. and then punish violators vigorously. This model will definitely work in business, education, sport --- while the government can focus on securing our borders within and without, fostering healthy international relations, and promoting cultural identity.

Still, while we can go on theorizing models of government, it still bears to remember that without a proper culture of public service, any model is guaranteed to fail, as it is doing poorly right now in the Philippines. Change must come from the top, while those below must keep on pushing to ensure that happens. To be a truly "strong republic" the citizens will have to be "strong" in mind themselves.

Breaking Out of Isolation

Rent - Broadway - Theater - New York Times (registration required)

I was introduced to "Rent" almost ten years ago by a colleague who in turn was introduced to the musical by another of our colleagues. I knew it would score big in the Philippines - and when it did, I was proud to say I loved "Rent" before all the duffers got on the bandwagon. I loved the musical before Hollywood inflicted on us the disaster of a movie adapatation.

I immediately gravitated to the material --- the musical seemed to be written for me, if at all there is any relation between me and drug users, people combatting AIDS, homosexuals, and the bohemian lifestyle in general.

(Or maybe I am closer to all of the above than what I originally believed. In my dreams, hahahahaha!)

My personal favorites were "Glory" and "What You Own" since I'm sure almost everyone connects to "Seasons of Love." "Glory" is all about flawed heroes and lost dreams, and yet, it is also about hope despite bleak times. "What You Own" fills in the seams of a society that has reached the ultimate disconnect, as shown in Jonathan Larson's lyrics - "So I own not a notion / I escape / and ape content. I don't own emotion / I rent!"

This lesson is all so clear while I am stationed in Saudi Arabia --- we have fled our homeland for what is, essentially, a chance for the ones we love back home on a better life. I'm sure, like me, Filipino workers based abroad always say that the sacrifice so that others may have a chance to live better is worth it. I am not sure whether to readily agree.

We live in an age where image and not substance takes precedence, where dysfunctionality becomes the rage and the loss of privacy the most coveted "drug" and the last taboo to be shed. Guilt may always gnaw at one --- at lost opportunities, at lost chances --- but not shame, shame that one has let others down.

This age is a growing age of isolation, and even when people are together their minds --- or at least their fingers --- are elsewhere sending text messages. We bare our souls to someone we are chatting with online, but not to our friends and family. With all due respect to the romantics out there, but this is not real life.

And here I am, and so many others like me, toiling for that vision. These days I am not so sure whether the vision is still true, at least as to the nobility of it all. There is no nobility here, only perseverance. It is something to be done, and nothing more. Only the politicans made out the big deal about overseas workers being the new heroes of the economy. And yet they've done little more for us than platitudes.

Breaking out of this cycle, at least in my case, was to find others who shared my thoughts and aspirations. So SPA-TDG happened. Being part of a community organization was never in the plan. But then again, I never planned all that much during those early days on my arrival here in KSA. I always thought I'd meet someone, we'd fall in love, and then make plans to settle down. After this latest disappointment (which, in all honesty, was something for which I set myself up), once again I'm not so sure.

In two months I will mark the four-year milepost of my sojourn in Saudi Arabia. When I arrived, I couldn't wait to leave. Now, even though it makes no sense, I can't find any reasons for me NOT to stay. One of my closest colleagues tells me that his own lack of a steady relationship is a continuing source of frustration. After listening to him, my realization is that while he holds on to his success here, he has not let go of all the what-could-have-been back home. I empathize for him, because at one time I was traveling on the same boat with him.

I will find someone, or I will not, but there are people and friends I have met here whom I have come to love. True, there is so much I have lost --- friends and family who have moved onward, valued people who have scattered to different corners of the earth, the perpetual guilt of having walked out on my homeland --- the platitudes even more hurtful when I declare my readiness to die for her - "ang mamatay nang dahil sa iyo."

But there is so much I have gained, and at times I struggle how to verbalize it, as I do now.

I may be all alone as I am right now, rushing to meet a deadline and sitting on my desk in an otherwise empty office building, but I am not alone. It's hard to say it, or even start to believe in it, but there is no greater chance for me to be happier than where I am right now.


WHAT YOU OWN (Jonathan Larson)
Mark - role created by Anthony Rapp / Roger - role created by Adam Pascal

MARK
Don't breathe too deep, don't think all day
Dive into work, drive the other way
That drip of hurt, that pint of shame
Goes away just play the game

You're living in America at the end of the millennium
You're living in America leave your conscience at the tone
And when you're living in America at the end of the millennium
You're what you own

ROGER
The filmmaker cannot see

MARK
And the songwriter cannot hear

ROGER
Yet I see Mimi everywhere

MARK
Angel's voice is in my ear

ROGER
Just tighten those shoulders

MARK
Just clench your jaw 'til you frown

ROGER
Just don't let go

BOTH
Or you may drown

You're living in America at the end of the millennium
You're living in America where it's like the Twilight Zone
And when you're living in America at the end of the millennium
You're what you own

So I own not a notion
I escape and ape content
I don't own emotion - I rent

MARK
What was it about that night
ROGER
What was it about that night

BOTH
Connection - in an isolating age

MARK
For once - the shadows gave way to light
ROGER
For once the shadows gave way to light

BOTH
For once I didn't disengage

MARK
Angel- I hear you - I hear it
I see it- I see it
My film!
ROGER
Mimi I see you- I see It
I hear it- I hear it
My song!

MARK (On the phone)
Alexi - Mark
Call me A hypocrite
I need to finish my own film
ROGER
One Song - Glory
Mimi
Your eyes

MARK
I QUIT!

BOTH
Dying in America at the end of the millennium
We're dying in America to come into our own
And when you're dying in America at the end of the millennium
You're not alone

I'm not alone
I'm not alone

Making Sense of It All

Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.

--- Frank Herbert, "Dune"

Sourgraping

ESPN - Celts celebrate as Pistons shrug - NBA

I didn't catch the entire Celtics-Pistons game at Detroit just the other day as I still don't have a TV set and I'm not inclined to pay for subscription TV anyway. I did manage to catch a few clips, and knowing the histories of these two franchises and some of their players (particularly principals Garnett, Allen, and Pierce on the Celts and Billups, Rasheed Wallace, and Hamilton on the Pistons), some commentary:

* Ray Allen is decaying, and badly. He's showing his age, like, in dog years. Then again, he did have two ankle surgeries over the past few months so full recovery is still possible. On a different note, that's what they told me when I passed the 90kg range.

* Paul Pierce, and the bench, would be the key to get the Celts over the hump. KG as their Prime Mover can only do so much to get them there by setting the mood and doing all the little things, but he can't do everything, especially if he is on the pine saddled with fouls.

* KG for MVP. 'Nuff said. I always liked Tim Duncan's game more, but perhaps managerial ineptitutide has robbed the paying public of what could have been a really dominant force in the NBA.

* Did I just catch Chauncey Billups sourgraping? When do you start consoling yourself over a loss with something like, "this win meant more to them than it did to us." Uh, hello? Isn't this is what your fans pay you gazillion bucks to do? Put your butts on the line and try to win the game every time, every game? Come on - I admire the calm-come-hell-or-high-water approach of these fellows, but it won't cut it when you're looking for an edge. That being said, Billups has the competitive fire to lead this bunch, but unfortunately for him, I think he is buying more into the "Mr. Big Shot" reputation than he should instead of proving it on the court. (And oh, by the way, Mr. Big Shot had a big brain fart in the endgame. Figures.).

* Michael Jordan should shoot himself for trading Rip Hamilton. Of course, him being the legend at all, he'd rather shop Jerry Stackhouse first (and the Wizards did). Rip is the new Reggie Miller incarnate --- only he's cooler-looking when he wears the face mask. And he has a much-more developed mid-range game.

* Maybe somebody should have shown Rasheed the memo that talent won't be enough to get you over the hump. Get it done consistently, and that takes a lot of the mental juice (he may have the hoops IQ, but not the EQ). That said, I think his reputation as a whiner and brawler is much ill-deserved.

* Barring any spoiler job by LeBron and his Cavaliers (all apologies to Dwight Howard and the Magic, it's not your year yet), these guys should have established their rights to go at it for the Eastern Conference crown, and at this pace, I don't think the Western Conference representative would have much of an edge. Should Boston shore up its bench performance when its three stars are underperforming or Detroit hone its killer instinct in the next few months, these two teams would give the favorites --- the Spurs, Mavericks, and Suns --- a serious dogfight for the 2008 NBA crown.

(Other notes: I had an interesting conversation with someone when I asked, "Who is more valuable to Phoenix - Nash or Amare?" I said Nash, he said Amare. My premise was that if you replaced either one with another player at their respective positions, replacing Nash would be a bigger blow to Phoenix as Amare's strengths can be matched by distributing the scoring load among his teammates, while his suspect defense can be filled by a superior defensive player. After all, they did manage with Amare out and Diaw playing center. Marion did have a career year that time.

At some point, the other guy lost the point completely when he said that instead of replacing Nash with another point guard, he would start Leandro Barbosa, move Marion and Amare to the forward spots, and at center start Dwight Howard. I was tickled by the idea, of course, if you're playing fantasy or video games. Naturally the conversation lost all sense at this point. He did stick with the question "If you had to replace one player with another ---" Ah well, that's why sports arguments are more fatal than those in politics.)

First Milepost

How do you go about mending a broken heart?

The answer: YOU JUST DON'T.

It's just Day 7 of this brand-new year and it feels like my heart was put through a meat grinder. Great way to start this year. Of course it isn't permanent, but it's fun to wallow, at least for a while. The melodrama puts all of my senses on overdrive. I will bounce back.

Hamburgers, anyone?

Panic

I LEFT MY CELLPHONE IN THE CAB!

I was in the office yesterday trying to catch up on a lot of work --- though I couldn't see any reason why I should want to go because it was supposed to be a rest day.

I have had little sleep lately --- mostly my own fault of course, I'm moping like a teenager. I know it is so. I just couldn't bring myself to kick myself into shape. It will happen, eventually, but in the meantime I'm just chugging along.

So it was that I paid little attention to my cellphone ---I had acknowledged a text earlier, chatted with my buddy traveling with me (I was seated in the back), and alighted from the cab. I forgot about my phone completely.

As soon as I realized my mistake (almost immediately) I asked my buddy to call my phone pronto. I also dialed it myself and finally I was able to contact the Pakistani driver, who promised to show up in 20 minutes.

I waited a full 10 minutes before he was supposed to arrive and another 15 minutes after that but he didn't come. Expectation gave way to panic and then to resignation ---I gave up waiting outside the office and dialed again several times. My buddy also tried it from his side. After a few minutes he got through and the man said he would arrive.

When he did, I thanked him profusely and shelled out some SR50 for his trouble. He seemed unduly apologetic, which seemed odd at the time. I regretted my forgetting to ask for his good name and phone number --- he may be a useful asset should I need a ride in the future.

But the mystery and the regret disappeared when I saw my call history and saw a lot of calls to Pakistan and to some other places. Crap! However, I consider it fair trade since he did return my phone in one piece, and didn't ask for a reward.

First Thursday

"Ano ba naman 'yan, unang araw na walang pasok sa bagong taon, nagsesenti ka na?"

Well, this song is nice. Not exactly the feeling I have right now, but somehow pretty close. I haven't found a CD rip or mp3 of this, the copy we had was on cassette from almost twenty years ago. I don't know who bought it - maybe my sister did. A shout out for anyone who has a decent copy.

Just this morning I felt like writing a script while I was walking home. I had spent the night at a friend's place, trying to get myself a little soused up but it didn't work. In the end, we played NBA 2k7 on PS2 - 'Sheed Wallace was a monster in that video game, he torched Stevie Nash and the Suns for 101 points in two games, which the Pistons and Suns split.

But I digress.

SCENE. Int. Man on the landing of the stairs, gently turning the joint of left leg. He is wearing a jacket ill-suited for winter weather, and on his left shoulder is a black laptop backpack. Pulls out a set of keys. Keys jingle in his hand. His POV shot looking down the steps. A slight exhalation of breath. POV shot uneven and unsteady as he climbs down steps.
Ext. Still dark. Ululations from the the various mosques calling the faithful to prayer resonating in the distance. Focus on some paper touched by a stray breeze. Otherwise, there is little movement.
Man walks onto the sidewalk. His POV shot is direct at a nightwatchman all bundled up with jackets, dozing while a radio blazes a prayer broadcast. Man takes short steps at a time crossing the street. He stops and takes a look, sighs, and walks.
Ext. He is looking into the grocery store of window, no particular interest on anything.
Int. He is inside a building with marble floors, pressing an elevator button. Shot on elevator floor read-out it is off. Sigh heard again, and his POV climbing up a dark stairwell.
Int. We hear a door shut, a little quietly. It is a small bedroom with little furniture but clothes and papers thrown about - a bachelor's room. Man drops his backpack, raises his right arm to his nose and smells something unusual. Takes off the jacket. He stares at some papers strewn about, and what looks like some pictures or a theater playbill. There is no focus.
Man kicks off shoes and takes jeans off. His POV is on the ceiling as he lies in bed. Enter music.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS
For the definitive version, get one from George Benson's "Tenderly"

You don't know what love is
‘Til you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you've had to lose
You don't know what love is

You don't know how lips hurt
Until you've kissed and had to pay the cost
Until you've flipped your heart and you have lost
You don't know what love is

Do you know how lost I've been
At the thought of reminiscing
And how lips that taste of tears
Lose their taste for kissing

You don't know how hearts burn
For love that cannot live yet never dies
Until you've faced each dawn with sleepless eyes
You don't know what love is.

Greeting 2008

As we enter this New Year, let us be thankful for all the blessings we have received and all the people who have made it possible for us to enjoy these blessings.

Let us be thankful for the gift of family, who are our anchors in this world --- this is made all the more too obvious particularly for expatriates like me who are uprooted from our homeland.

Let us be thankful for the gift of friends, the people who support us and are proven best by their need of our help and most especially, when we can show that we are vulnerable and weak in front of them.

As with any other year, 2007 has its own set of triumphs, challenges, and trials - some of them of our own creation, others beyond our control.

My personal learning in 2007 is the power of words --- how they form an integral part of our lives and of how much influence they have in building us up, or as the case may be, bringing us down. Certainly I had more than my fair share of hurtful words, and since they can no longer be taken away I can only hope to match them with words and acts that heal.

My personal resolution for 2008 is to make people feel more valuable --- each of us is a central character to the play/movie/concert of our lives, and my role, as a supporting player in each of those grand presentations, is to be a positive.

As the old year closes and the new one begins, I would like to thank each one of you this year for being part of the movie of my life. Certainly the script could have been better written, the direction more focused and consistent, and of course, the acting leaves so much room for improvement. As I am my biggest critic, I would have to say that my main character could certainly use a brush-up, so for the episode of 2008 I hope, at the very least, you'd stick around with me to see how the movie unfolds.

I hope you got your money's worth, and if you didn't, I would like to say sorry, I'll do better next time.

For those with whom I disagreed or hurt in the past year, I would like to thank you for teaching me the value of remorse and the necessity to make amends. Where there was sadness and pain, there could only be joy and laughter, if time and forgiveness permits.

For those who inspire me and for those who have gone above and beyond what I have expected of them, my thanks will never be enough but still I'll have to say them. May I be given an opportunity to do the same for you, and I hope that it will be soon.

Finally, let us be thankful for the gift of life and its wonder --- for each today that ends there is a tomorrow for us to look forward. There is so much unhappiness in this world, and in our own little corner, I pray that each one of us adds, and not detracts, to the happiness and well-being of the people around us. It is all that we have, and with God's help, perhaps we'll have a chance to make a whole new better world in 2008.

May we have the strength and wisdom to recognize that for each moment that passes, our past grows and our future shrinks. May we always then make the most of today.

May the Lord bless you and make it possible for you to have all the love and happiness that you deserve.

Happy New Year!

Rizal Day Rape

“In view of all these factors, I have decided not to run for president during the elections of 2004. If I were to run, it would require a major political effort on my part. But since I am among the principal figures in the divisive national events of the last two or three years, my political efforts can only result in never ending divisiveness. On the other hand, relieved of the burden of politics, I can devote the last year and a half of my administration to the following: First, strengthening the economy, to create more jobs, and to encourage business activity that is unhampered by corruption and red tape in government. Second, healing the deep divisions within our society. Third, working for clean and honest elections in 2004.”

--- Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, 30 December 2002.

Anybody want a refund?

Vicissitudes

Just a mere three years after the Indian Ocean tsunami its presence have been mostly wiped away from the world consciousness ---so many other things have taken precedence, this fad and that, what baby would Jamie-Lynn Spears have, the network wars, the continuing morass in Iraq, the presidential derby in the United States, and most of all, the collapse of the US dollar against the world's currencies. But the lives that have been affected are changed forever, and no headline would change that.

There is one headline, though, that gives pause --- the death of former Pakistani leader Benazir Bhutto in a wanton act of violence. This closes a loop on one of the watershed events of world history --- the rise of "People Power" and the eventual dismantling of Communism. Many of the heroes of that era - Mikhail Gorbachev, Vaclav Havel, Mario Vargas Llosa, Corazon Aquino, Benazir Bhutto, Lech Walesa, the Tiananmen Square martyrs --- where are they now? Memory and circumstance have dulled their sheen.

This, I pray, would be a martyr's death that will galvanize the elements in Pakistan toward unity. Let's not talk of worst-case scenarios --- if things can get any worse in Pakistan, the long-term stability of both South and Southwestern Asia will be compromised.

Closer to daily events, salary increase time has come a lot earlier this year --- thanks to our series of studies we are upgrading our salary scale (yay! more money), which naturally, has ignited some premature celebratory speculations --- the grapevine is seething more than ever.

It's still so easy to get caught up with these things - love, life, loss, our lives may be changed by things outside our control ...

Hmph. Yes, Hmph.

I'm just not happy with the look on this blog. Wish I could customize it further but this @##$%#$%#$ webwasher Internet police we have in the Company is stopping me (serves you right, Chief, you should be working!).

Still waiting for inspiration for that rockin'-sockin' super blog entry designed to floor everybody. In the meantime, am posting an adaptation of Sheryl Crow's "Strong Enough." With all due apologies of course. I didn't have the heart to mangle the final main verse, I just changed the POV.

Strong Enough (Sheryl Crow)

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care
When I’m throwing punches in the air
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

Speaking from man's point of view, my version:

Look at all the stars tonight
Why must we even start to fight?
To love you means I’ll understand
I must be strong enough to be your man.

Who cares who was wrong or right
I’ll still be with you here tonight
You make the difference to all I am
I’ll be strong enough to be your man.

Lie with me
I love you, please believe
Lie with me
Oh please don’t leave.

Times will come when I won’t show
Or you’ll want to stay but I have to go
We’ll try to make the best we can
I am strong enough to be your man.

When you’ve shown me that you just don’t care
When you’re throwing punches in the air
When you’re broken down and just can’t stand
I’d be man enough to be your man.

Lie with me
I love you, please believe
Lie with me
Oh please don’t leave.

Edifice Building

This is a re-hash of an old post which I never completed. Still merits a little saying.

DAM
(Gary Granada)

Sa ngalan ng huwad na kaunlaran
Ang bayan ko'y sa utang nadiin
At ito na ang kabayaran
Ang kanunu-nunuang lupain

Ang mga eksperto'y nagsasaya
At nagpupuri at sumasamba
Sa wangis ng diyus-diyosan nila
Ang dambuhalang dam

Damdam damdam damda dadam
Damdam damdam damda dadam
Damdam damdam damda dadam
Ang dambuhalang dam

Ang mga tribu'y nagtatatangis
Nananaghoy at nababaliw
Habang ang mga turistang mababangis
Nalilibang at naaaliw

Sa mga pulubing nagsasayaw
Mga katutubo ng Apayao
Na napaalis kahit umayaw
Alang-alang sa dam

Damdam damdam...

Titigan ninyo ang gahiganteng bato
Nagsasalarawan ng lipunang ito
Tulad ng mga gumawa rin nito
Walang pakiramdam

Modern man needs his edifices in order to churn out the idea that progress --- the concept of
development --- continues and that change, as a constant that change is good.

The Ramos administration was founded on the paradigm that infrastructure was the key to development - that better edifices define the spirit of modernism in the Filipino --- in a sense, the pundits in his team were right --- bigger government spending spurred growth, and though businesses suffered in the interim, long-term growth was assured.

Of course, in the Philippine context, any public works improvement worth its salt must be budgeted thrice the amount in order to be called a worthy infrastructure project. A joke goes like this:

The city government was building a new garden and among the attractions was a wrought-iron gate. The contractor didn't have the skills to do it himself, so he opens a bidding and the top three participants were left - an American, a Mexican, and a Filipino.

The American submits his bid - $800 - $600 for materials, $200 for labor. The Mexican follows with $700 - $600 for materials, and $100 for labor.

The Filipino's bid was $2,700. The contractor asks: "How come this is so high?" The Filipino answers: "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and $700 for the Mexican to do the job."

Guess who won the contract?

Blowing Invisible Kisses

Malamig. Mahirap magsentimental sa panahon ng Pasko, baka atakehin ka sa puso.

Still, this song reminds me of lazy days of drawn-out summers back home when the novelty of vacationing from school has worn off and that reality that you are stuck with nothing to do sets in...

This reminds me of languid afternoons curled up in bed with a book as the storms raged in the heavens and school has been cancelled (or I wish they would, eventually)...

When love finally came to full flower as I reached my twenties it reminds me of stealing the last few kisses even as I part from her, fearing that there would be no tomorrow for us to be together, and then despairing when she decided that indeed, there would be no tomorrow, at least for us together...

Mostly it's about those quiet times, those times in between those regular crises, flare-ups, the wailing about paying the bills and someone's lost keys --- when you are with someone you love and the air between becomes richer, as if pregnant and alive with the invisible kisses you are blowing one another. And that you take comfort in such silence, knowing you need not speak, for in your silence lies the greatest passion of all.

Astrud Gilberto is such a genius. Someone, quick, pin her another medal.

"Parting with people is a sadness; a place is only a place." --- Frank Herbert, Dune

A CERTAIN SADNESS(Astrud Gilberto)

Look out the window when that rain storms
I let the wind blow up a brain storm
. . .and now I'm wondering
Whether weather like this gets you too

It may go on like this for hours
Too late in fall for April showers
So what we got here
Got a thought or two
I need to share with you

Here goes:

Darling tell me now
Have I done wrong somehow
That you won't look at me

Need it pointed out
Can't keep my wits about
When you won't look at me

Is there something I oughta know
You're finding hard to say?
Well there's just a trace
Hiding on your face
And I learned it that way

Just another soul
That really knows my soul
And you won't look at me

Does that take the prize?
How much I love those eyes
and they won't look at me

Now the rain has gone
But something lingers on
There's certain sadness here
Now that the sky is clear

And it's so so clear
yes, it's all so clear
To me now

And I can't help but feel
That certain sadness's here
To stay.

Stuck at First Gear

So I'm revved up, excited on getting started on all of the perfomance appraisal sheets for one of the companies in our group. The catch is --- the system is DOWN. It has been for the past few days. The bright boys in IT went for a maintenance run and scheduled it during the Christmas break of our provider in Europe. Pure genuis. So now I'm stuck filing other papers, or worse, I might actually start on meaningful work. Crap!

I decided to wear my leathers this morning because I wanted to look formal for the first time in weeks --- I've stopped using my Docs because they are absolutely killing my feet. It's still a toss-up if I want to exchange arthritis in the feet for a more malignant, yet less painful ailment --- but I guess the Man Upstairs won't help me out on this one. Anyway, I'm stuck waiting in front of our apartment building for fifteen minutes because my carpool was late. It was cold, and I couldn't sit on the steps because our maintenance man decided to take a vacation too. And oh, I may have forgotten, our elevator is broken too.

Okay, yeah, it's a bad start for the day. Thank God it's Christmas, I could be bugshit about anything but the Lord celebrates his birthday today. Ummm, yup, that sure more than evens out everything in the greater scheme of things.

Merry Christmas!

The World is Still Flat

"Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”
--- Robert Heinlein, science fiction writer

“You should never try and teach a pig to read for two reasons. First, it's impossible; and secondly, it annoys the hell out of the pig!”
--- Will Rogers, humorist

I must have been blessed to awaken feelings in people that makes them want to argue with me. Or else, I'm choosing to hang around with people who, for some reason, rub on me the wrong way or vice-versa.

Just yesterday, I had a long discussion with one of my buddies on relaxing the vow of celibacy so that Catholic priests can marry and raise families. While I certainly agreed with his contention that it should be allowed (which I'm sure would spark some debate from those who care enough to read this blog and chime in an opinion), we never could agree as to the why it should be allowed. Like anyone who has some exposure to the Socratic method, I wanted to pin him down on how and why he thought his original statement was valid. For some reason, I found the way he flung about his statement as misinformed and irresponsible. Anyone can express an opinion, but for me to agree to it, I have to find out why.

(Sue me --- I was hung over, semi-depressed, and perhaps in need of a hug.)

After we broke off (both of us had to go back to work), it just occurred to me that we have been debating a lot lately. I don't know if it's me, or the things we talk about, or the way we go about our lives in general. Personally, I'd try to avoid expressing an opinion that is not backed up by something solid --- in matters of politics, of the heart, or of science, evidence does help --- but since I'm a bit offbeat myself, being a contrarian is something that is almost impossible to avoid.

Another time I got into an e-mail dispute with someone I hardly knew over my opinion over their choir's performance and repertoire. Looking back, I believe I was at fault over how I expressed myself, but then again, it wouldn't have gone that way if the other person wasn't as stubborn as I was. Eventually I had to concede and granted him whatever moral victory he could get, not because I agreed with his viewpoint but because at some point, trifles such as our discussion could be, and should be, avoided.

Still, another .... but wait, I think what I would add would reach the same conclusion --- it doesn't pay to argue when a) the issue to be decided affects no one in the end; b) it is outside my area of expertise; c) it is only a matter of conjecture.

But I just love arguing. I can't stop. So these quotes are for me --- no, people whom I argue with aren't pigs (though some of them seem that way, sometimes), but arguing the (somewhat useless) point solves nothing.

So if anyone wants to pick at something with me, let me forestall you ---yup, I agree with you the world is still flat.

Kids, Don't Read This - Which Means You Will

This is for the buddies back home.

I'd rather not name my buddy who brainstormed with me (well, not really a brainstorm, it was like reaching deep thoughts while sitting on the crapper), but I can't take full responsibility for it, either. This was one of our favorite car songs, especially in those days when radio stations started to play the same old stuff and we were too poor (and cheap) to put in a cassette or CD of some other tunes.

It also gave us some form of solace that we were being creative and that someday our talent would get arrested (you bet we would, but for altogether different reasons, hehe ...)

We first wrecked "Pare Ko" by the Eraserheads (which was easy, just change "pinaasa" to "ginahasa" and there you go, plus some other combos), and then we moved on "Toyang" (which is by far the best, but one I'll share only in person), and then to this piece, which is funny, but not as much. We later tried "With A Smile" and "Ang Huling Al Bimbo" but by then we had started doing our own material, but the jokes were so in-house the songs just didn't have "mass appeal."

Naturally, this isn't the best side of all of us who chipped in with these songs --- but it does work if you're young, carefree, and it helps if you're drinking, though for the record we were not on ANYTHING when we did these songs. With all due apologies to the original composers.

To all those people who put in a vote of confidence in me, now's the time to think about possibly taking it back.

SONNY (sung to the Eraserheads' "Shirley")

Hayok na naman si Sonny
Sa dalagang masikip ang p*ki
Sila'y nag-f*ck sa may Antipolo kagabi

The next week, hot item na sila
Nagkakan**tan papunta sa CASAA
Kung maglampungan akala mo walang katabi

Ganyan kalibog, ganyan kalibog
Ganyan kalibog, ganyan kalibog

Parati na siyang tulong sa eskuwela
Gulo-gulo palagi ang buhok niya
Tumitirik ang mata kapag naglalakad sa kalye

Ganyan kalibog, ganyan kalibog
Ganyan kalibog, ganyan kalibog

Ngunit isang araw sa may SM sila'y nag-away
Nag-umbagan, nagtadyakan
Hanggang sila'y malupaypay sa away
Umiiyak silang umuwi dahil sila'y may AIDS!

After three days, tumawag ang duktor ni Sonny
Diagnosis pala niya'y mali!
Hala! Punta kay dalaga at sila'y nagkan**tan uli!

Ganyan kalibog, ganyan kalibog
Ganyan kalibog, ganyan kalibog!

Hayok na naman si Sonny...

Cold Realization

Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure.
-- Knute Rockne

Eid Mubarak!

So here I am in the office, trying to recover some of my fried brain cells from having to work during what is supposed to be our vacation. Well, IT IS salary increment computation time, and like it or not, people would want to see some form of salary increase on their paychecks within the first quarter of 2008. Then we get this directive that we have to get it done before January payroll. If holiday had not happened, I bet they would have steamrolled us to get it done before December payroll. You have to love management's devotion, but some fool is going to have to bear the brunt of getting the job done; in which case, IT'S ME!

(Maniacal laughter in the background).

I'm not really complaining; after all, it is my job portfolio and this is what it means to hold my job title. It's just ... yeah, I hate to admit it, this part of the year really tugs at those homesick heartstrings, and it has struck me that this season marks the third year I haven't spent Christmas back home. I absolutely hate the whole commercialization of the holiday season, and for some I may seem to be the prototypical Scrooge, I did appreciate Christmas for what it was and is --- an opportunity to be with the people one really cares about.

I would like to bitch about how the system's down for preventive maintenance.
I would like to bitch about my aching body parts.
I would like to bitch about the timing of my work and events in the year.
Even if I shouldn't --- there isn't any predetermined unfairness here.

To be fair, I have friends, some of whom have children who help fill the void. But try as I may, capturing all these feelings and experiences, and bottling them into a drink, if I may, would not slake my thirst for the people and things I miss back home. It just isn't the same, and it will never be.

It's hard to be lonely -- and even in the midst of other people, it becomes all the more obvious that I'm alone. Put any silver lining on this, it just isn't possible --- so for this year, I'm asserting that this state of events is unacceptable.

Until next year.