I have given some thought to finally retire this blog. After all, who would want to read about the inner life of someone who has just recently turned into a forty-something?
Sometime back, I had this secret wish that someone out there would read the thoughts I put down here and find in me a kindred soul. Tough luck. It's a Catch-22 situation, anyhow, you either put yourself a little too mildly or disinterestedly few people will care, or so far out there people will think you are a freak. Hey, I'd like a little public affirmation once in a while, but too much attention will make me sick.
Therein lies the dilemma.
There is also this aesthetic side of getting my writing back on track. I need a new muse, a new inspiration. For some reason, I have felt less urgency in my craft over the past few months. Mind you, it is not for lack of time - far from it. No energy, no focus in whatever original thoughts I have been putting away in the back of my mind. I wouldn't know whether to abandon this ambition altogether. One more try, one more attempt to stop backsliding. Looks like a Sisyphean feat. Good luck to me.
So, what's been happening to me? Took a forty-day furlough in the Philippines and the wisest decision I made was this: Be still. Sure, I would like to settle all the pending issues in my life - finding a life partner, projecting my career trajectory, working to ensure I reach that trajectory, estate planning for my finances, etc. They will happen soon enough. All I want to do right now is BE.
It was rather funny (and somewhat disturbing) that even my own nuclear family could not provide referrals to me for a possible start at a relationship. Or the ones that are available are - well - it is understandable they haven't found someone to fish them out of the singles pond. Maybe, just like them, the traits which make me lovable and valuable to my loved ones aren't just the ones to which people would immediately be attracted. Or perhaps, two obvious downers - my physicality and my perpetual unavailability for most of the year - are just too difficult to overcome.
Or perhaps, just as slow as I am to realize that I am running out of time, I am still afflicted by the standards which have been with me since my youth. Would someone like myself make out as fair exchange for those women whom I favor? I asked myself the same question when I made an ill-advised attempt to make a connection with someone I have admired so long from a distance. Not only did she find my approach inappropriate, she did not even consider trying to build on something through correspondence. Yes, that sucked. That hurt. Big time. I'd like to hate her.
Of course I don't. And I won't. Maybe I did her a favor.
I expect small changes the most important in retooling my professional outlook. I have accomplished at least 90% of my goals when I came into the job. The remaining 10% - eliminating ennui and other distractions - is still ongoing.
As expected, after arriving in Riyadh, no rest was available as I needed to hit the ground running. Actually I am not yet pushing myself. The work will push me there.
What concerns me now is getting back into a healthy routine, something I have neglected the past few months before and during my vacation. Change that one starts is the kind of change that is mostly positive. Although, I haven't gotten there yet. Next chapter update needed.
I trust I don't need additional turmoil before I make the mental move to turn on the urgency light switch.
Anybody with a few bright ideas, comment away. (Well, here goes nothing.)