To Doubt is to Have Faith

Musings on missing Catholic rites.

I haven’t missed mass all that much, I am reminded how many challenges there are to my faith. My cousin Ronnie (who’s a Mormon) just showed me why Catholics are at a big disadvantage here. Aside from the fact that we are already limited since we have no priests, we are especially watched here. Not that they have their eyes on us all the time, it’s just that if there is any proselytizing done around here. At least the Mormons can meet clandestinely with more ease – I am no longer wondering why Kuya Ronnie changed religions. With all the religion being practiced in our midst, it’s so hard to deal that one cannot be at worship at one’s own.

As to the proscription against alcohol, I intend to honor it, since it’s better for my physical and emotional health. Personally I wouldn’t mind getting a drink on occasion, but forking out money for stuff made from contraband stills doesn’t appeal to me. But stories abound about how millionaires were produced by moonshine “manufacturing.” Would you believe you can’t even bring in vanilla here because they suspect that to be used in making moonshine? There is even a specific proscription on oak and wood chips because they are also used in making moonshine more flavorful. Well, Filipinos do manage by using raisins, chewing gum, apples, dates, and even chocolate on occasion to flavor their homemade brews. Security guards in housing camps are known to be the chief smugglers of moonshine. Always a function of law – the nature and level of corruption are best determined by the things a society aims to suppress.

As for me, I wouldn’t be caught dead imbibing alcoholic beverages – and so far, I am doing my best to have a healthy and natural good time. The Filipino Channel (TFC to us bumpkins over here) is a big hit (the only hit, I guess) and I guess our kababayans lap it all up, though it was the same drivel I saw back home. Some Arabs subscribe to the stuff (for SR760 a year, one-time, but SR76/month on monthly payments) just to see women in bikinis for free when they can’t see the same with their own women. (I find that reality very funny in more ways than one, but it is not a laughing matter for us here…)

People say I seem well-adjusted and culture shock has not gotten me at all. On the other hand, what they don’t know is that I left all my “baggage” behind – meaning that I left what I must over there and prepared myself to be alone for this one whole year. If not, I will probably go nuts trying to look for what isn’t there – friends, family, my way of life – and never accept that I am living here. A lot have also said that coping with life here is more difficult if you have a wife/family or girlfriend back home. In some ways, yes, it’s true, because one can never witness the most beautiful moments when children grow up. However, I think for me it’s the reverse. Sometimes it’s so easy to forget you’re human over here – only the animal impulse of eating, sleeping, and even fornicating (heterosexually of course, since I haven’t “dropped the soap”) remains. I always found it easier to do things when there’s a higher reason or bond behind it. For now it’s for the dream that life would be made easier for my mother especially now that all of us would soon move out, but I wish there was something more.

There are days when I worry about what is happening at home but I know that is something I can no longer control. It would help if I can just pick up the phone and call to see if things are all right, but I also stop myself at times because I believe the less the people at home are reminded I am not there the more easily they can cope with my absence. Helps for me too. There were also times over the past few weeks, during “touching” moments in movies on the tube and I was reminded about how things are back home. It gives me more inspiration to do what I can here so I can succeed. Because for one thing, living here makes one a “spectator” and not a “cast member” in the story of my life. But anyway, there is a “script” over here that I have to write for myself. Hope it will have a good story and nice ending.

I am guided by this quote whenever I feel adversity: “My brethren, consider yourselves fortunate when all kinds of trials come your way, for you know that when your faith succeeds in facing such trials, the result is the ability to endure. Make sure that your endurance carries you all the way without failing, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. But if any of you lacks wisdom, he should pray to God, who will give it to him; because God gives generously and graciously to all.” (James 1:2-5)

It’s been a great “vacation” so far. But the shitty, crappy months are just ahead – when you can leave a fresh egg in your room for the day and then find it cooked or spoiled when you get back. Our company video demonstrates summer weather by driving a car into the desert and then cracking an egg on the hood. It literally cooked (no kidding)! It’s starting to get hot and then the days are starting to get longer. Prayer time will progressively start earlier and then end later at night as we reach the summer solstice. After that it will go down until more or less the days and nights are equal in length at the autumnal equinox (sometime in October-November). For those people with the so-called “broken schedule” i.e. their offices close for an equivalent of the afternoon siesta, the breaks can be dreadful if you have to travel back to your accommodation. At least we have a straight schedule, and I have gotten used to ten hours at the office from back home.