Earthen Vessel

Posting my thoughts I wrote down last night...

The TV has conked out on me (well, the only channel available has the display “Access denied”), so I am all alone here with my thoughts.

I no longer feel like a young man. I worry too much about the future. But then, what’s new? It’s not as if I want to be younger. Time to move on, fella.

I desperately need to be in love. But with whom? I know I have to go out and try to touch someone. Over here it’s almost impossible. Makes me want to muse that no one wants to become gay in this place, but it just happens. I guess I ought to accept Janew's invitation to join that SPA group. Otherwise the days would stretch on and on, without end.

I think about three girls at the oddest of times – I’d have admitted their names in my heart of hearts – but I just can’t let someone else read this journal and see their names (just in case). Let’s just give them aliases. The first is the Raven. She has been, and always will be, the kind of girl I’d want to bring home to my mother and my mother would approve, I bet. However it is obvious to me that I am not the kind of guy she would want to have in her life. It has everything to do with me, of course.

The second – let’s call her the Guardian. She would perhaps be the best fit, intellectually, as to who I am and how I express myself. Lord knows if she ever thinks I think of her – for all I know she has someone else. Besides, similarities may not necessarily make a whole lot of magic. As to the third girl, maybe she has something that I so deeply want but never could have. She is the Reaper – not because she has any resemblance to the Grim One – but because she is of the earth. In her simplicity she can dare to look and dream of the sky. Maybe I have scared her away. Serves me right for trying to impress her…

What am I doing? Two months and a week I am already cracking? I highly doubt it. I can still function, and that I am self-aware means there is no meltdown yet. Surely I didn’t sign up for one. Keep it together, buddy! At times I can get to be too self-critical, just an obsession for analysis and psychobabble. Storytelling helps, as I had been told once. Let it all hang out, and who knows? Something might happen. If not, I can safely say that there will be no regrets.

Like with another girl – the pain of her subtle rejection was drowned out by the fact that I let everything out on paper. Pouring out the feelings makes it easier for me to accept that sometimes I’m weak, though it doesn’t help if that so-called sensitive doesn’t sell. Aw, so long as I am not peddling bull, it doesn’t matter what they believe. I don’t have to sell anything. As long as I remain true to who I am.

But then, there are times when I should apply the brakes. I can look back with fond nostalgia at all those wasted opportunities. I am blessed that they came, and even if things didn’t pan out, I’m certain there will be more. Life has that kind of symmetry even if sometimes events and feelings go topsy-turvy. Fear has its purposes – for one thing, it instructs me that I must have courage. The courage to dream, to dare… still, it’s not the same as it was ten years ago. I no longer have the first flush of youth – and maybe I shouldn’t really indulge in teenybopper fantasies. Maybe romantic love is not in the cards for me. I prayed for more wisdom, but maybe I should have prayed for more patience.

Should I stop dreaming then? I am tickled pink by the thought of letting others read my thoughts (maybe I should, and I would) --- (and so I did). Maybe this will be the romance that will fill my life while I am away from my heart’s true home. Maybe my heart will learn to accept this place as the foundation of my life. If so, then I should paint on this blank canvas, for lack of a better expression.

If there is one more prayer I can say, it’s that He will allow me to become as honest with myself to a degree that I have never imagined. That He will allow me to become humble and brave to ask for help when I know I am in trouble.

Lord, grant me the strength so all of this would be made true. BY ME – or rather, BY YOU, THROUGH ME. Fill me with light so I can shine Your light to others. There is a night out there that must be filled with love and joy. I may be just a humble earthen vessel, liable to break, but until then, use me.