Friday, August 01, 2008

Day 213: Total Eclipse (of the Heart)

Total Solar Eclipse in Mongolia

No, I'm not developing a sudden fascination with all things related to space. It is rather unfortunate that this particular eclipse's penumbra is further north - it would have just have driven some of the orthodoxy over here bonkers just because a regular astronomical occurrence would blot out the daylight for a few hours.

I did post about Saturn once, but outer space, for all its charms, has ceased to fascinate me as much as inner space.

Congratulations to me for finishing July in one piece and coming off with a prolific (for me, at least) number of posts up to now. I find the fifteen or so minutes I use to post these tidbits help me to decompress my brain and focus more easily on the tasks I have at hand. I'm still way behind with so many of my assignments but it just isn't as bad as it should feel --- my work still hasn't approached Sisyphean proportions, and there are ways to keep things on an even keel. There's the magic word: delegate!

This is Day 213 of this year. It has been one of the fastest years in my life --- even with all of my dramas, things just haven't managed to slow down.

Yesterday, one of my buddies here punched his ticket for a well-deserved (and oft-delayed) vacation back home. I hope he comes back (I have every reason to believe that he will, but still...), else he will just about help sink me into the debt trap. It would have been nice if his management had realized his disenchantment earlier and sent him home as soon his vacation was due. The man left home just as his wife was about to deliver his first child and they couldn't give him a break? Incidentally, that baby turns two in a few months. Almost two years. I'm glad, just for the burden of separation, that I am not in his shoes.

For the heart that yearns for the time of reunion is the heart that is in the darkness of an eclipse, seeking the light but still suffering in the dark.

In many ways I wish I were, too. Tomorrow is my youngest nephew's first birthday. I left him off this space when he was born --- the memories of leaving Manila were still fresh at that time --- but since my last time back home, I knew that it would be impossible not to miss him. He is not my child, but he is special to me not only because he lives under the same roof as I do (back home), but because of the special circumstances surrounding his coming-to-be. They say that the child most special to you is the one that needs you the most.

Now that I am in the age of parenthood (though not a parent myself), I believe this to be true. The special ones are the ones who keep on stumbling but keep on getting up, the ones who hurt you more because they don't seem to return your love, the ones over whom you spend sleepless nights, the ones who have the label "No Return on Investment" but on whom you keep pouring your love.

I am privileged to be in the position of giving to my family. Sure, it gets to be a drag sometimes, but I am thankful that I am in this position. I expand, and the heart of provenance expands with me, because hard as it is for me to learn, generosity does not come because you have much, but that you have given your all and still feel it is not enough. I didn't ask for this, but am blessed to have been served this life.

Seven months gone and just two off after my last jaunt back home. My heart can't wait to be home --- in fact, it always IS there. These are the days when one wishes burdens are lighter, but in some way, thankful that they are there. Like racing cars needing downforce, we do much better with some amount of responsibility. We stay true to ourselves and find ourselves more deeply rooted in our lives.

I've been lacking in some inspiration and this insight cannot come at a more opportune time. And there is, of course, the possibility of meeting someone out there. I haven't thrown in the towel yet, and while so many would say I don't deserve it, someone in this world has a place in her heart where I can find solace and bountiful silence, home for all intents and purposes, wherever we may be, with the light of love that eclipses all loneliness and hurt.

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