Breaking Out of Isolation

Rent - Broadway - Theater - New York Times (registration required)

I was introduced to "Rent" almost ten years ago by a colleague who in turn was introduced to the musical by another of our colleagues. I knew it would score big in the Philippines - and when it did, I was proud to say I loved "Rent" before all the duffers got on the bandwagon. I loved the musical before Hollywood inflicted on us the disaster of a movie adapatation.

I immediately gravitated to the material --- the musical seemed to be written for me, if at all there is any relation between me and drug users, people combatting AIDS, homosexuals, and the bohemian lifestyle in general.

(Or maybe I am closer to all of the above than what I originally believed. In my dreams, hahahahaha!)

My personal favorites were "Glory" and "What You Own" since I'm sure almost everyone connects to "Seasons of Love." "Glory" is all about flawed heroes and lost dreams, and yet, it is also about hope despite bleak times. "What You Own" fills in the seams of a society that has reached the ultimate disconnect, as shown in Jonathan Larson's lyrics - "So I own not a notion / I escape / and ape content. I don't own emotion / I rent!"

This lesson is all so clear while I am stationed in Saudi Arabia --- we have fled our homeland for what is, essentially, a chance for the ones we love back home on a better life. I'm sure, like me, Filipino workers based abroad always say that the sacrifice so that others may have a chance to live better is worth it. I am not sure whether to readily agree.

We live in an age where image and not substance takes precedence, where dysfunctionality becomes the rage and the loss of privacy the most coveted "drug" and the last taboo to be shed. Guilt may always gnaw at one --- at lost opportunities, at lost chances --- but not shame, shame that one has let others down.

This age is a growing age of isolation, and even when people are together their minds --- or at least their fingers --- are elsewhere sending text messages. We bare our souls to someone we are chatting with online, but not to our friends and family. With all due respect to the romantics out there, but this is not real life.

And here I am, and so many others like me, toiling for that vision. These days I am not so sure whether the vision is still true, at least as to the nobility of it all. There is no nobility here, only perseverance. It is something to be done, and nothing more. Only the politicans made out the big deal about overseas workers being the new heroes of the economy. And yet they've done little more for us than platitudes.

Breaking out of this cycle, at least in my case, was to find others who shared my thoughts and aspirations. So SPA-TDG happened. Being part of a community organization was never in the plan. But then again, I never planned all that much during those early days on my arrival here in KSA. I always thought I'd meet someone, we'd fall in love, and then make plans to settle down. After this latest disappointment (which, in all honesty, was something for which I set myself up), once again I'm not so sure.

In two months I will mark the four-year milepost of my sojourn in Saudi Arabia. When I arrived, I couldn't wait to leave. Now, even though it makes no sense, I can't find any reasons for me NOT to stay. One of my closest colleagues tells me that his own lack of a steady relationship is a continuing source of frustration. After listening to him, my realization is that while he holds on to his success here, he has not let go of all the what-could-have-been back home. I empathize for him, because at one time I was traveling on the same boat with him.

I will find someone, or I will not, but there are people and friends I have met here whom I have come to love. True, there is so much I have lost --- friends and family who have moved onward, valued people who have scattered to different corners of the earth, the perpetual guilt of having walked out on my homeland --- the platitudes even more hurtful when I declare my readiness to die for her - "ang mamatay nang dahil sa iyo."

But there is so much I have gained, and at times I struggle how to verbalize it, as I do now.

I may be all alone as I am right now, rushing to meet a deadline and sitting on my desk in an otherwise empty office building, but I am not alone. It's hard to say it, or even start to believe in it, but there is no greater chance for me to be happier than where I am right now.


WHAT YOU OWN (Jonathan Larson)
Mark - role created by Anthony Rapp / Roger - role created by Adam Pascal

MARK
Don't breathe too deep, don't think all day
Dive into work, drive the other way
That drip of hurt, that pint of shame
Goes away just play the game

You're living in America at the end of the millennium
You're living in America leave your conscience at the tone
And when you're living in America at the end of the millennium
You're what you own

ROGER
The filmmaker cannot see

MARK
And the songwriter cannot hear

ROGER
Yet I see Mimi everywhere

MARK
Angel's voice is in my ear

ROGER
Just tighten those shoulders

MARK
Just clench your jaw 'til you frown

ROGER
Just don't let go

BOTH
Or you may drown

You're living in America at the end of the millennium
You're living in America where it's like the Twilight Zone
And when you're living in America at the end of the millennium
You're what you own

So I own not a notion
I escape and ape content
I don't own emotion - I rent

MARK
What was it about that night
ROGER
What was it about that night

BOTH
Connection - in an isolating age

MARK
For once - the shadows gave way to light
ROGER
For once the shadows gave way to light

BOTH
For once I didn't disengage

MARK
Angel- I hear you - I hear it
I see it- I see it
My film!
ROGER
Mimi I see you- I see It
I hear it- I hear it
My song!

MARK (On the phone)
Alexi - Mark
Call me A hypocrite
I need to finish my own film
ROGER
One Song - Glory
Mimi
Your eyes

MARK
I QUIT!

BOTH
Dying in America at the end of the millennium
We're dying in America to come into our own
And when you're dying in America at the end of the millennium
You're not alone

I'm not alone
I'm not alone