Retirement

There comes a point in one's life when too much information and searching for connection becomes more of a "miss" thing than generating true "hits."  There comes a point when the random thought desires to become purposive, and the creative urge must be mastered, tamed, and redirected.

I have no illusions about the depth or quality of my own writing.  Therefore, keeping on "publishing" my thoughts before my ideas grow and become true living things, so to speak, is an injustice.  They must be allowed to brew somewhere, but definitely not online.  Reticence does have its own benefits, not just privacy, but also the confidence that the silence brings wisdom, a sense of centering and self-mastery.

So this blog will finally retire.  I realize though that even if I try to close down this blog there will a digital footprint somewhere.  My thoughts will always remain in cyberspace.  Close this thing down? Sure.  But some part of me says, let it stick around, as a lesson for my own benefit.  Who knows, someone will be led down this road and find something useful here.  Maybe it will do something for them as it surely did for me.

At some point there may be something I will need to say, and maybe I will post a link of it here.  That would be highly likely, but hey, I wouldn't want to disappoint by building up too much anticipation for the devoted (two) followers of this blog.  That time will come, someday, eventually.  But for now, I will sign off, and bid you adieu.

Good night, then, and good luck.

Finding Home

This song was written almost 20 years ago.  My friend Des and I tried to put in an arrangement, but for some reason we could not agree on the form of the song, and eventually I abandoned the idea of recording a demo.  I've forgotten some of the parts in the verse, reconstructing this entirely from memory, so I put in new lines to freshen up the piece and tinkered with its structure.  Hope to sing it again soon.  Also, how time flies.

THIS HOMELESS HEART

Please wait for me, don't ever let me go.
This homeless heart has nowhere else to go.

Home is where the heart is
But I haven't found my only love
And all these walls that keep me in
Are all as cold and dark as the stars above.
Where will I find the shelter
That I know within your arms of love?

Home is where the heart is, they say.
To keep you warm when then sun goes away
For so long the dreams have kept me 
Alive --- and pushed me through
But dreams do fade they fly away with time.

Love is something that you'll find at home
Where you'll feel never be alone
But where is home when I'm away
So far --- from where you are
Though we're apart our hearts just beat as one.

Home is where the heart is
But I haven't found my only love
And all these walls that keep me in
Are as cold and and dark as the stars above
Where will I find the shelter 
That I know with your arms of love?

My home is where you are
And my heart lives in your heart
If I can find the courage
To bridge the miles that we're apart
If only time would be our friend
So all my days would be with you
And no more words need be spoken
To show my love is true...

Home is where the heart is
You're the one and my only love
And all these walls that keep me in
Are as cold and and dark as the stars above
Where will I find the shelter 
That I know within your arms of love?

Please stay with me, don't ever let me go.
This homeless heart has so much love to show.

Iffy

If wishes were notes I would have written a symphony
If kisses were like feathers they would scatter through the skies
If silences conveyed meanings I'd willingly go mute
If only moments spent waiting brought me closer to you

If mere lines on a page could awaken a bright day
If the world skips to the beat of a heart beating in time
If a song can be heard between a wink and a smile
If the miles we are distant means moments standing still

If true hope means surrender, and if faith brings reprieve
If the questions find answers and at last are complete
If all lies and all truths can be bridged with fresh views
If our memories are a Present, never fading, ever new.

If all that is known, or is knowable is revealed
If each breath that we take means another we will share
If each longing is caressed and reaches safe harbor
If only one second of loving validates our existence.

If only what I have to tell can finally be told.

More Than Enough

I am in an unfortunate position of having to cram for something I should have done some time past.  But if it gets me back into some semblance of fire for the job, then so be it.  Lately I have noticed I have been going through the motions.  It gets things done, but it's not the same.  And I want to believe in what I am doing.  Because without it, this whole existence becomes more unbearable.

It's been two weeks since I have returned from my vacation.  Manila remains beautiful, flawed, frustrating, and addictive.  I refer to her not only for the geographical location but also for the life that happens there.  I love being there, but for the immediate future, I need to be here.  This year, I've divided my vacation into two parts so I can put some priorities in order.  And  I'm not surprised that things went down as they should.

I cannot encapsulate the world I have left into one big treat.  Relationships take time, and I can only devote what I can give to those which are most important to me.  I tried to give some time to new kinds of friends, or open the prospects for a relationship, and for some reason they never even panned out.  They never even occurred.  It's still on me for not trying harder.  And somewhere inside me, I know I can.  It's just that I lack the courage to let my heart burst for caring too much.

I'm old.  I've been beaten down by this.  However, I refuse to give up caring.  In my job it's hard to keep on doing it and coping with the reality of expatriate life in Saudi Arabia.  I look into someone's eyes and I know I've been there.    I can only offer sympathies.

For us to bounce back, we have to suck up the hurt and keep on dreaming that someday all this would mean something.  Maybe we're kidding ourselves, but we have to believe that this separation adds more value to the lives of the people we love.    That is enough.  That is more than enough.

Blow a Bubble of Good Cheer

This is an old favorite of mine - bossa as a genre has been in my blood, particularly of the Astrud Gilberto/Sergio Mendes quality. I am not a big fan of Sitti's covers - but this song catches, I believe, the sort of personality she wanted to create for herself when she started out. 

Just blowing a bubble of good cheer.   Some English translation of the lyrics, afterward, just for kicks.

Kung ika’y magiging akin
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Pangakong di ka lolokohin
Ng puso kong nagmamahal

Kung ako ay papalarin
Na ako’y iyong mahal na rin
Pangakong ikaw lang ang iibigin
Magpakailanman

Chorus:
Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo pang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Kung ako ay mamalasin
At mayro'n ka nang ibang mahal
Ngunit patuloy ang aking pagibig
Magpakailanman

[repeat chorus 2x]

Para sa akin

First attempt, rough draft:

Should you ever become mine
You will never shed tears again
A promise that I will never cheat on you
From my heart that truly loves

Should I ever be blessed by fortune
That I too will be loved by you
I promise that you'll be the only one I'll love
Forevermore

I will never try to force you
Even if you follow what you feel
I will let your heart beat as it will
Only for me.

Should I ever run into bad luck
And find out you love someone else
I will keep on with my loving you
Forevermore...

Because I Feel It. Because It's There.

This can only be ersatz poetry because it's so sincere.  Hall and Oates would have been apropos as well, but that ship has sailed and a song once dedicated cannot be taken back.  It's that quiet, buoyant confidence in the lyrics that deceives the listener that it isn't serious - but listen to those lines again:

"That's why I've got to be there
Got to be there where love begins
And that's everywhere she goes
I've got to be there so she knows
That when she's with me, she's home."

That's a feeling to which I wish I can awake.  It's that depth of feeling that rounds this life with purpose.  For now it's by proxy.  Just wish that my scene would soon be up.  I know I wouldn't know what to do.  Yet I believe that "I will be there" for that loveliest of mornings.

If I could only wrap around these words
The nature of my feelings
Or the silences even more profound
I will shower the universe with this bounty
I will dance with joy unbound.

If I could touch you with my intentions
Like a mother's care for her child
With worship so unspoiled and pure
I will paint the heavens with rainbows
I will rock your world for sure.

If there is nothing more left to give
Even bound in all the cliches -
My heart, my soul is yours to take
I will be lifted in sweet surrender
In the dreams your touch will wake.

If this world reveals such perfection
Such as only expressed in you
There is nothing I will find amiss:
Your lines, your scars - they make you beautiful
And I will heal them with my kiss.

Much for Nothing, Alas

Too much noise going on
Too much running around for what's new
Not much to do by hanging around
Not fun if it's time without you.

Too much store in knowledge that dies
Too many toys, too many things
In the end they don't mean too much to your heart
When your heart is no longer whole.

Too many lights to hide the darkness
Illuminated and yet rendered blind
Too much ego and mole-hill building
No time for "us", only for the "mine."

Too many lies that we tell ourselves
Life would be great if we had so much more
Yet so much of life have we forgotten
Too far have we gone from shore.

Too much spent for the unimportant
Expecting love and joy to be free
When treasures of life have been thrown away
Everything else becomes dross.


*The year-blog goes on hiatus until I select a better time to get it moving again.  Sometimes even when there is so much to be said, staying quiet is the best thing to do.